In My Honest Opinion

9 Reasons why Time Travel, if it were possible, would still be impractical.

2011-08-23T13:07:00.000-04:00

A few months ago, I came across an interesting article discussing the problems with time travel. I agreed with a number of the points and thought them to be humorously true, while there were a few other points I thought could use some refinement. So here’s my stab at the same topic, with a couple of extra points I added in for good measure.

9. You could potentially age much faster.

Of course, this is a selective problem—it depends on a number of factors. Since we still don't know if Time Travel is entirely possible, we don't know if the procedure of traveling through time would age us faster in the same way that stress does. Doctors say that individuals in high stress careers or lifestyles often 'age' faster than the average person. It's uncertain what sorts of physical stress a person would go through to break the time barrier, but the possibility is there that doing so could be taxing on us.

But outside of a theoretical spectrum, any trip through time, whether for a few minutes or a couple of years, would make you progress in age in a way that everyone else would not. When you return from a 6-month trip from feudal Japan, your parents, spouse, children, etc. will be the exact same age from whence you left; however, you will be 6 months older. Abuse the gift of time travel enough, and as the old song goes, you could very well end up being your own grandpa.

Why is this the case? From a physics standpoint, the body's aging process is completely unrelated to the revolutions of the Earth (days) or the location from the sun (years). Astronauts that have visited space or the moon are not any younger or older than they otherwise would be for having left Earth's orbit. The way we count time and the way our bodies age are two completely unrelated scales. An often overlooked fact is that the way we count time is relative to our astronomical location. Which also presents another risk for time traveling...

8. Getting the location just right.

In the book Lightning by Dean Koontz, the main character travels through time using some sort of mumbo-jumbo machine. The kicker, though, is that you can’t just push a few buttons and go wherever you want. It takes the character days using a complex computer system to get the ‘figures’ just right. He explains that, to properly travel to a day in time, you have to know where the Earth is located in the fathoms of space on that day—else you’ll just warp yourself right into an endless black vacuum and die on impact (arrival?).

This is just one example of how travel is handled. As eluded to above in point 9, we often use the terms ‘time’ and ‘space’ together, but view them separately. Truth is, if we did break the time barrier as a civilization, distance is just as much of a variable as time. (Even the most basic formulas in physics class often have both of those variables to determine something.) So, before you saunter back to Woodstock in 1969 to see The Who rock the grounds, you’ll need to know where specifically on the Sun’s orbit Earth is located, what side of the planet to warp to (since you obviously won’t want to end up in Asia somewhere), and a very specific point for good measure, since winding up in the middle of a tree isn’t very desirable either.

Time travel doesn’t seem as much fun when you turn it into a NASA math problem, does it?

“But those are problems we’ll iron out when we discover Time Travel. Once we have that down pat, it’s all smooth sailing.” Or is it…?

7. You have to come home for anything food/money related.

Let’s say you want to go to see England during the Elizabethan age—you know, catch a Shakespeare play when it was the rage, view some fine art during the time it actually was painted. You’ve planned it all out just like a normal vacation: Stay for a week, take in the local culture, grab some souvenirs. So you go to the local town’s inn and as for a room for the evening, dishing out an Alexander Hamilton. (That’s a $10 bill, for those who don’t know the funny haired men on your money.)

Depending on the inn’s reputation, you will either be laughed at or thrown in the local jail. See, funny thing about money—not only is it localized today, but even throughout history, it changes quite frequently. If you plan on doing anything at any point, you’re going to need money.

You remember that scene in Back to the Future II where Doc Brown pulls out a little briefcase full of different types of money and gives Marty some 2015 money? He’s on the right track. (How he got that money is anyone’s guess—more on that in a minute.) The United States has been around for about two-and-a-quarter centuries now. Did you know that the $1 bill has changed 12 times between 1862 and 1923? That’s an average of once every 5 years or so. Most of us have seen it change a few times in our lifetime as well. Imagine trying to use a 2002 $1 bill to pay for your tab at a 1920’s café. Not likely they’re going to take it. They’ll probably look at it like it was Monopoly money.

Well, what about food? Food has been around ever since edible things. However, an interesting point made by anthropologists and archaeologists is that while the concept of eating is important for survival, what people eat has changed over the years, as has the quality of food. Want to go back and eat some food 1,000 years ago? There’s a better-than-average chance you’re going to get dysentery. Even if you go back just a few hundred years, our stomachs have an interesting quality that adjusts it to certain types of cuisines—if you give it something too radically different, it takes time to adjust. If you go from meat-eating to vegan, it might be a little hard on you. If you go from eating roast beef to mutton, you might never feel ‘fine’ again.

“Alright, already,” you say to yourself, “So I’ll have some issues with money and food. That still doesn’t mean I’m going to run into problems.” Well, that’s what you think…

6. No one knows who you are—and you can’t prove anything.

Let’s face it, going through time is like taking a vacation. But think about being on vacation somewhere. You’re a total stranger, true, but you still have some form of identification. If you stay in the country, you have your normal Driver’s License or Social Security Card or SOMETHING to let people know you’re legit. If you travel out of the country, it’s mandated you have a passport, which does pretty much the same thing. You’re probably picking up on the problem—Travel through time, and you just simply don’t exist.

“Cool,” you might initially think, “I’m like a Spook or something.” Except that no matter where or when you go to, there’s a better than 99% chance you’re going to end up in jail or dead.

Even if you go back in time in this country 10 years—your Driver’s License is expired and thus is not legitimate. “But people didn’t carry ID’s in the 1500’s,” you might argue. This is true. That’s why communities were so important—so that somebody knows who you are and can vouch for you. Strangers in pre-common sense times were the biggest target for thieves, because they had nobody to rely on, and the local law enforcement didn’t know them from Adam.

This gets back to the problem mentioned with Doc Brown above. It’s not even easy to go to another time (especially recent past or future) and get a job of any kind. Have you ever gotten a job without showing any form of identification? (At least a job that wouldn’t get you arrested for tax evasion or would break your back within 4 hours.) At the very best, the concept of time travel would provide you with a window to see how things were back or forward in time, but any interaction would be perilous to your freedom or life.

“Well, alright, but there are still little things I can do to use time travel to my advantage,” you snidely retort. “What about making money on interest? The whole concept is based on time—and I have the advantage of just skipping ahead.”

5. Going to the future to collect that interest? Not so fast.

This has been used as a story plot (or mentioned, at least) in dozens of stories where time travel is a possibility. Take the movie Time Chasers, where the following statement is made:

“You know, if you go back 100 years and deposit $100 dollars in a bank, then came back 100 years to the present… gosh, the interest alone would make you a millionaire!”

Ignoring the fact that this man has the worst math skills in the universe (I ran a quick amortization schedule—being generous and saying 2% interest in a savings account would garner you almost $700 after 100 years), this device has floated around in people’s minds for decades. Sadly, most people have never worked in the financial industry—because if they did, they could tell you it can never happen.

Bank accounts can be considered inactive if no contact has been given to the bank after a number of months or years. Once an account has been inactive for 5 years, an account is considered dormant and is subject to a number of money-depleting activities. Banks are allowed to charge fees on accounts while inactive, and dormant accounts can be seized by the state if certain guidelines are met. Disappearing for 100 years is almost a signed guarantee that those funds will be gone.

But let’s say you bank at the Totally Trustworthy and Awesome Bank—Guess what probably won’t exist 100 years in the future? The vast majority of banks created in 1911 have ceased to exist, and all banks have been purchased by less trustworthy and awesome banks since. While your money (at least now) is protected by the government if a bank fails, waiting 80 or 90 years to claim your money probably will be looked at oddly by the State. (Not to mention if 20-year-old you deposits $100 dollars, then 20-year-old you withdrawals the money 100 years later, that will most likely be picked up as ‘probable terrorist activity’ according to the PATRIOT act—no lie.)

“Fine!” you say out of desperation. “What if I just, like, go back 500 years and get something and bring it to the present and sell it as a mint-condition antique! Any problems with that?”

Yup.

4. Law of Conservation of Energy and “bringing something back”

We get a little into physics now. You remember that famous formula by Albert Einstein? E=mc2? We have all quoted it since we were 6. But that simple formula would prevent you from doing exactly what you want—bringing objects back from the past/future.

How so? Einstein’s ‘Law of Conservation of Energy’ states that energy is “neither created nor destroyed”—simply ‘redirected’. Burn an ant with a magnifying glass? You’re simply transforming those little ant atoms into something else using heat energy. You haven’t destroyed an insect so much as transformed an insect into gas (which actually sounds pretty awesome).

So, let’s say we go back to Ancient Egypt and bring back a brick with a hieroglyphic on it. According to Einstein’s law, you have removed energy from one time and added it to a future time. Now, we don’t exactly know how the manner of time travel is going to work, but according to physics as we understand them now, your very existence in another time is in question, no less than the action you just performed.

This isn’t the whole ‘step on a butterfly and kill the dinosaurs’ time argument (though that’s an entire other chapter in the fallacy book). This is simple physics: You cannot remove energy from another time. It’s very possible that the discovery of time travel will change this law, or even make it obsolete. But there’s a much better chance that even if you can travel through time, only what you bring with you (self, clothes, etc) will be able to travel and come back—nothing else. So, sorry to burst another bubble for you.

Now that you’re completely dejected, you decide that you’re just going to do something simple. Let’s see what the Earth looks like in 30 years. Well, cross your fingers…

3. Boy, I hope everything is alright with the ozone in the future.

Do you know what the difference between Hiroshima, Japan, July 1945 and Hiroshima, Japan, September 1945 is? If you answered ‘a city that exists’ with ‘a city that is 60% crater’, then you’re right.

Now, imagine you lived in Hiroshima in July 1945 and you built a time machine. You kiss your wife and say, “I’ll be right back, honey. I just want to see how the flowers I just planted look in two months.” Now, imagine the look on your wife’s face when you come back with 2nd degree radiation poisoning from your short excursion.

See, the problem with wanting to know what the future holed is that we don’t know what will happen in the future. What if your time machine was on the top floor of the WTC South tower and you went from the year 2000 to the year 2002? Even if the land isn’t radioactive, the ground you were once on might not be there at all anymore. Go into the future, and it’s a dice roll whether the place you arrive will be at war, irradiated or even exists at all anymore.

And those are just the risks we can foresee. No one 50 years ago wondered if the Ozone layer was going to be a problem in the future. We have dozens of problems that could affect civilization that we never would have guessed 100 years ago. For all we know, the year 2112 will have a severe Godzilla problem, and here we are warping ourselves right into the middle of it.

And pray that you don’t get stuck in a Godzilla future, because…

2. More than a little bad if stolen.

Again, we don’t know exactly how this time travel process is going to happen. If science fiction has taught us anything, though, it will mean swirly portals and cool gadgetry. Tangible objects. You know, the kind that can be broken or stolen.

Of all of these points, this is the one that is used the most in stories that actually has time travel devices. It usually is a great issue for storytelling, because it creates drama and can be resolved by the end. But the only reason it gets resolved is because the story would not be as good if the good guy was stranded in front of Hannibal’s army while the bad guy gets the girl and the money.

But in all honesty, that’s about the way it probably would roll.

See, there’s really no recourse if you go to another time and the method of travel is disrupted. At best, at best, your hope is that someone recreates the means, perhaps even from scratch. Even if you were the inventor, if you go into the past, you most likely won’t have the means to remake it (assuming that you didn’t make it out of coconuts) and if you go into the future—well, we’ve discussed other issues that could be going on then. Like in Back to the Future, you’ll probably be spending months trying to fix all of the problems you made just in your initial jaunt through time.

The possibilities of problems are endless. But of all the logical problems, the cultural issues that could be faced, the last reason is perhaps the most unavoidable…

1. Just like all of our toys, eventually, it just gets boring.

“Oh, Come on now!” you say defiantly, because you already have a long track record of talking back to me in this article. “How on Earth could I ever get bored with Time Travelling?”

Very, very easily.

Are you bored with this article yet? Because I’ve used at least three different types of technological miracles in designing it (by 1990’s standards). If you would have even described what this article is to someone in 1985, they would be astonished. I used a word processor on my Dell computer to type it and spell-check it. I emailed it to our blog Editor. He posted it on the internet on our blog. All things that didn’t even exist 26 years ago. But you probably didn’t even think twice about any of that. It’s humdrum to you, because you have gotten used to these things existing. Things just simply get old.

Think about it. Imagine your favorite place in the world—a place you might have gone to on vacation before. Let’s say you’ve been planning it for a year—7 full days away. You had all of the days’ itineraries filled with fun and excitement: museums and attractions and lots of relaxing. After 7 days, you might even say to yourself how you wished you never had to leave. But deep down, you kinda miss being at home, where you felt grounded, where you were in control of things.

That’s the difference between a vacation and moving somewhere.

Where have you always wanted to visit? Civil War-era United States (for some reason)? Alright, so you go and you get to talk to lots of interesting people and do interesting things and take interesting pictures and eat interesting animals. How long do you stay before you realize that you’re a little homesick? One week? Three weeks? I guarantee it won’t be more than a month, even for an American History major.

Then you come back and are excited to go somewhere else. Perhaps visit ancient Rome. So you go there for a week. Then you come back and make plans for your trip to Ankor Wat when it was built. Eventually, you’re going to just run out of ideas and imagine yourself at home playing Rummy with your next door neighbor while American Idol plays in the background.

The truth of the matter is that what we really want is a new experience. But after a little while of experiencing it, the exhilaration dies down a little. That’s why musicians retire—not because they don’t like what they are doing, but because they’ve converted a hobby into a living, and they want to move on to something else. Sure, you might keep the time machine around for a rainy day, but in all honesty, it will soon sit in the corner not getting played with while you continue your World of Warcraft campaign and sell your Farmville vegetables.

Don’t believe me? Invent a time machine and prove me wrong.

Creating the Ultimate Fantasy Football Team Name

2011-07-27T13:17:00.004-04:00

“Brute Farce.”

This was the name of the league my good friend and partner-in-crime, Marcus, came up with for a new Fantasy Football league he wanted me to be a part of. Read it again to yourself. Read it out loud. Then read it again.

Now, perhaps it’s just me, or even an opinion only the minority holds—but I feel foolish every time that I remind myself that I belong to a Fantasy Football league called “Brute Farce”. (In my friend’s defense, I have heard and seen worse, and it apparently wasn’t bad enough to discourage me from joining it.)

And it is in this spirit that I begin my first editorial/commentary called ‘Desktop Quarterback’. That is, the importance of a name in the realm of Fantasy Football.

Why a good name is needed
Well, the first reason would be so that you wouldn’t belong to anything called “Brute Farce” (Again, I tease Marcus, but I’m sure I will get my own in the weeks to come). However, there are a few compelling reasons to go to some, even many lengths to come up with a pinnacle name.

First, to guys, Fantasy Football is a status competition. (Yes, I acknowledge there are girls that do this Fantasy Football thing as well, but they in general remain far less competitive.) The same reason that office mates compete in a Fantasy Football league is the same biological reason that the actual athletes perform in the game—the need to prove one’s self against his peers. Some of us are more humble than others, and many of us try to better ourselves, but you can be sure when it comes to Fantasy Football, that humility is checked at the door.

Thus, as a competition, a team manager is representing himself by his team. Everything about a player’s team represents the ego he brings to the game. Much more is needed, therefore, than just having Tom Brady, Andre Johnson and Peyton Hillis on one’s roster. Like the advertising business, you have to present yourself properly. After all, you really don’t want to be known by your fellows as the ‘Pac Man Ghosts’ (real team name, apparently).

Not a very good team mascot...

Second, in the same vein, you are not just comparing a series of points and numbers against another person’s points and numbers. In a guy’s (or girl’s) mind, he is in fact the owner, operator, head coach, and talent scout of a real life football team. You actually own Peyton Manning. You pay the check for Sidney Rice. Fantasy Football is called Fantasy because, to a guy, it is a Fantasy as much as he is a virtuoso guitarist or a streetwise ladies’ man. If you doubt this fact, you try and ask the team owner in your league that owns DeSean Jackson if he’s interested in a trade for your backup TE.

There are other reasons I’m sure a good name is important—but that isn’t what this article is here to argue. What we are here to discuss is how to come up with such a name.

Categories of names
First and foremost, a good name is not an exact science. Quick: What is the best meal for supper next Wednesday? There’s no way to know what you’d want then, because your tastes change. Further, you might answer that question differently than even your own spouse or best friend. Comparatively, then, a great team name to a gang of white-collared paper pushers in Seattle might be mediocre to a manufacturing warehouse in central Georgia. There are factors to consider, and even after considering them, it really boils down to personal preference.

However, there are certain things we can take into consideration to make a team name better than most. To come up with a team name that sounds good to you, your fellow owners, and the average listener at work, we will examine four categories of names. Borrowing something from at least 3, if not all 4, of these categories is optimal. We will call them the four ‘I’s.

Intimidation: Imagine you own every player we’ve used as an example so far in this article. Now imagine that your team name is the Brightland Ponies. There might be a certain je ne sais quoi to beating another team in your league with the least masculine sounding team name, but chances are that even if you win out in your league, you still have to go to work the next day and tell your non-football fanatic friends that you won as the Brightland Ponies.

From the get-go, having a tough-as-nails sounding team name sparks a little fear in your opponents. At the very least, it garners respect. It’s a mental game—‘this week, I’m playing the Ponies, but next week, I’m going against the Netherworld Ogres’. World of Warcraft images aside, the latter would, at least to the average mind, be more respectable. This is why you don’t see actual NFL teams named the Gardeners, the Cashiers, or the Fanny Packs. Look at the fans in Oakland—they aren’t wearing rainbow suspenders in support of their team. Image goes a long way in proving a point even before the battle begins.

A comparitively better mascot...

Imitation: One of the fun aspects of Fantasy Football is that we get to personally act on something that we’ve enjoyed watching or grew up sharing with family and friends. Because of this endearing quality of the sport to us, there is an inclination to want to share that heartfelt desire with our make-believe team. Many, many times, you will see a person’s actual ties with football reflect in a team name.

Take my hometown fantasy league—the one I personally take part in with my friends. ‘The Gators’ and ‘Da Behrs’ were two of the teams. (Granted, the Gators are not NFL and ‘Da Behrs’ is a pun on the owner’s last name, but the relation is still there.) You will easily come across mascots of a team borrowed (say, using your hometown as the place and your favorite pro team as the ‘whatever’), and on average, at least 1 or 2 of these exist per league. Some view this as a sense of plagiarism, but in honesty, the homage that is paid makes the team name reflective of that person’s life experience with football, and who are we to turn it down?

Imagination: Creativity is a cornerstone of respect among men. Let’s use my hometown league again. My friend’s last name is Hay. His team? ‘The Haymakers’. See, that’s clever, and uses two of our points so far—a Haymaker is indeed intimidating, and the play on his own name makes it imaginative. Another team goes the same route with the ‘South Georgia Rage’. Anthropomorphizing qualities is always a creative route to go. (Other examples might include ‘The Buzz’ and ‘The Shock’.) While puns are a point of argument among individuals for their value, in Fantasy Football, a well created pun can go miles (see ‘Da Behrs’ and ‘Haymakers’ above).

A person might also take a hobby and convert it into a team name. In my personal case, I’ve taken a land and character class from a Fantasy story that I particularly love and made it into my team—The Ivalice Dragoons. Though I got some snickers at first for using a video game as my team name, no one questioned my creativity, and once the initial laugh was over, no one thought ill of it again. (The same certainly could not be said of the T’Rizzle T’Bolts—actual team… so learning the fine line on this point is important.)

Idiocy: Normally, I would be very against this category in coming up with a team name. Then again, as I’ve alluded to a few times, the concept of a team name is left to interpretation as to it’s worth. Take a look at these two pictures—the team names of two leagues I’m in. Notice that both of my team names—the Ivalice Dragoons and the Narshe Returners—are on par as far as their style. Which one seems out of place? (Hint: The one that is surrounded by goofy team names.)

If one’s league is full of zaniness, that’s absolutely fine. After all, competitiveness is just one aspect of the male psyche; the ability to goof off and be illogical at times is clearly another. Naming your team the ‘Hungry Big Macs’ or ‘I EET YOUR HEAD!’ is certainly acceptable if this week you’re playing against a team called the ‘Captain Rons’.

Coming up with the name
Well, I went way too long in describing the types of names. If you’re still reading, you either have far too much trust in my advice or have skipped ahead. If you have read everything up to now, you can start to see that coming up with a name is based off of a few variables that must be considered first—the league’s average disposition, the league’s make-up, and the level of shame you can endure.

There are many procedures for coming up with a name, but the one that I have found the most effective is to brainstorm on paper. (I can claim experience in name-creation, as I have come up with 4 band names, countless album names, and even was responsible for naming a human being. I used the same procedure for all of these, fantasy football team included.) How is this accomplished?

Simple. Grab a piece of paper. Go ahead—I’ll wait. Now, take a writing utensil. In this case, a pen works best, because even if you think an idea is stupid, you want to leave it on the page until the bitter end—a pencil is too impermanent and you might be tempted to erase. For fantasy football, you will want to make two separate columns: one for ‘places’ and one for ‘mascot/things’.

Depending on your desire to be realistic or to cater to the fourth above category, your places might not actually be ‘places’. To sound like an actual team, it would be best that it at least makes some sort of sense—if you care to go the fourth road, you simply need to come up with a phrase or group of syllables, and thus separating into two columns is not necessary. For anyone who wants to sound halfway realistic, the two-column approach is best. For column two, you might want to expand beyond just animals or tangible objects (thus achieving creativity or Imagination). Coming up with my most recent team names, I wrote such tangibles as ‘Paladins’ ‘Templars’ and ‘Ballistas’, along with intangibles that sounded cool, such as ‘Blitz’ and ‘Rebellion’. (Notice that I was going heavy on the Intimidation factor this time around.) Next, randomly pair up column one with column two, going one at a time to see how they sound out loud and how they physically appear. Your team will be read and said aloud multiple times throughout the season—it has to make sense in both forms.

If after trying all of your selections, you find nothing that sounds and looks pleasing, put the paper down for a little bit and come back after some time. Creatively speaking, you can run out of figurative ‘think juice’ if you try too hard. Later when you’re more calm and relaxed, you might add more to the list. Do not erase your old choices—because on a fresh mind, they might sound better than the first go-through.

Say the name out loud to a close friend, preferably somebody who is also a fantasy football player (though not necessarily in your league, though it is fine if they are). How do they react? A smile? A shrug? A nod? Any three of these are alright. A laugh, followed by a “I’m just kidding” can work as well. You would want to think twice if the initial reaction is a head slap, an eye roll or a friend deletion off of Facebook. Have a backup ready just in case when testing out your name.

There also is (usually) no hard rule on keeping the same name all season. Usually a person can incorporate all four of the above categories by having a ‘default’ team name that sounds intimidating and serious, but switch off during specifically timely times. For instance, one of my fiercer rivalries in my hometown league is the Cougars. One week, I had changed my league name mascot to the ‘Cougar Hunters’. Goofiness and innuendo aside, I was pleased with it for the week, and changed it back right after. At the end of last year, my team was doing so poorly that I had changed my team name to ‘The Glass Joes’ and my mascot image to Glass Joe from Punch-Out fame. So, the lesson here is also don’t feel that you are permanently tied down to the name (unlike the case with my daughter). If it comes down to crunch time and the league is about to start, just throw something generic up until you have a chance to come up with something better. That said, however, it takes some of the fun and ‘fantasy’ out of being a team owner if you are constantly changing the name of your team.

Fantasy football is supposed to be fun. Keep that in mind. The name is not the most important part of the experience, but like a sprinkle of salt or a cool frosty Budweiser, it adds to the overall experience. Consider the creation of a team name as the first step to building your franchise, nay, your empire in the realm of fantasy football. Build your way to the top so that everyone will quiver in fear as you trample their worthless teams game after game in the realm of make believe stats, rising to the top of the league known to all as ‘Brute Farce’.

…

Or… maybe not.

My Guilty Pleasure

2011-03-31T07:54:00.002-04:00

Now that I'm back to articulating my thoughts in blog-form, I think I'll start with a nice long dissertation on a subject that has filled up 90% of this blog to begin with--music.

A few months back, I was surfing through the radio stations that I am able to pick up in the Jacksonville, FL area in which I live. (I am able to catch loosely some stations out of Gainesville, as I live somewhere between.) The saturation of stations had been pretty even up to, and even through, my teenage years: 40% Country Stations, 30% Oldies stations, 20% Rock/Alternative stations, 10% Talk/NPR or The Bargain Channel. (For more on The Bargain Channel and how I feel about it, take a glander over here - (YTRiffers on YouTube). However, in the last 5 years or so, the Country music saturation pushed up to 50% (and focused on only Country of the last 10 years), Rock/Alternative went up to 30%, Oldies went down to 10% and kept pace with the Talk, etc. Over the last 3 years, I've seen at least 3 stations start and a few get axed.

However, a few months ago, I went surfing around and fell on a station that used to be oldies back in my day (FM 100.7), then was turned into Rock/Alternative for a short bit, but on my revisit, was playing Country. At first, I was seething in boiling lava hatred over the Country genre pushing up even more, but then I caught a snippit of a song and realized it was a pretty old Country song.

--

At this point, perhaps I should clarify my stance on this topic. I have always been against Country--ever since middle school or so. I just didn't like it. The artists would put on a heavy fake twang to their voice to sound like a cartoon character. They would slur and slaughter notes in a way that made them sound like middle school drama students trying out for a musical that was way beyond their ability. The subjects are about mind-numbingly stupid subjects, even to me, someone who lives IN THE SOUTH.

I just don't like Country.

That is, I don't like Country now...

See, I was reminded that Country, despite what people think, WAS NOT LIKE THIS. Country from the 80's and back actually sounded decent. Artists had a natural southern drawn, but didn't Deputy Dog it to death. They didn't hold or even TRY for notes they couldn't hit. The subjects sometimes were cliche (wife leaving, road travelling), but most of the songs were just simple plays on words.

I'll elucidate. I was driving to work today. A 35 minute drive (in which I heard about 16 songs--do the math there), At least 4 or 5 of the songs were based around a pun or play on a phrase. 'If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?' 'Have you left the one you left me for?' 'Nobody' (every line in the song ended with the word Nobody and applied to different people). I was tired, so this is all I can remember. But I do remember two specific themes of the songs: This being the first. The second was that the choruses of 80% of the songs had a certain lyrical cadence to them. The Choruses always began with the title of the song (A), followed by a line that rhymed (B), a second line that rhymed (C), and the title of the song again (A).

First, that's an effective way to remember the name of the song. Second, a bit repetitive, but catchy, because you can sing along, even if it's your first time hearing the song.

I have to say, I rather enjoyed listening to Country music that I actually remembered from being a little kid. It brought back some memories. Some of the songs were songs I remember my dad singing. And believe it or not, there was a Hank Williams Jr song that had NOTHING TO DO WITH FOOTBALL this morning! I didn't even think such a thing existed!

Anyhoo, as I stated, I plan on making a few articles on music--specifically, how music has changed for the very worse in the last few decades. Tune in tomorrow, same website, same... uh... blog?

Revival. REVIVAL!

2011-03-30T12:01:00.003-04:00

So it looks like it's been just over a year since I've posted anything to my blog. Ironically, it's been this exact same period of time that I've been working at home. Now that I'm getting out of the house again, I have very little to do during my lunch breaks.

Voila! Thus is my blog reborn.

Sadly, I was unable to participate in FAWM this year, but since a vacation visit from my friend and partner-in-riffing-crime, Marcus, we've been itching to fire up some projects. So, that's positive.

In any case, I do believe I will try to be more regular at posting on my blog, for those interested enough to follow it.

And That's When It Occurred To Me....

2010-03-17T08:37:00.003-04:00

I think I've finally figured out how to fix the economy.

Before I can go into it, though, I have to explain how I got to this revelation.

Lately, there has been a lot of talk about Health Care. Arguments on this side about public options and on that side about pushing bills through Congress, this side about Medicaid and that side about budgeting so that it can be affordable. It's about 10 minutes every day of news reiterating what's been said, reminding us all of concepts over our heads or of little-used political tactics. (Personally, I don't really care one way or the other. Sure, I'd like it to go through, but I'm sure I'll survive if it doesn't.)

At the forefront of all of this is a growing number of people who want 'their voice to be heard'. Every day, it seems now, there's a large group of people either in front of the White House or in front of Capitol Hill or in front of a Town Hall in Cheboygan, Michigan, gathered to yell without megaphones some sort of rhythmic chant concerning their stand on health care. Without getting too far into politics, I feel that they should have the ability to voice their opinions, but many of the people interviewed or photographed in these 'rallies' come across as boarish and insensible, oftentimes screaming, as if the volume of their voice is going to make their point more substantial.

So, I'm on my way to work this morning, and, yes, once again, NPR is talking about a 'rally' of people supporting one way or the other on the Health Care bill. I start to imagine that there are more of these groups starting than there are Star Wars fan clubs across the world. Then, as the radio coverage continues, a thought occurs to me: 'Don't these people have lives or something?' I mean, it's very important to make sure that people aren't having their rights abused or having their thoughts ignored, but I was under the impression that's what the representatives that are actually IN Congress was for. Meanwhile, we have families and jobs to take care of. We can't be wasting all of our time hanging out in groups fighting for every thing that annoys us.

And That's When It Occurred To Me: They DON'T have jobs!

They've lost their jobs for taking off so many days going to argue about the fact that the government hasn't fixed the unemployment rate! That's the only explanation. The unemployment rate goes up as people lose their jobs arguing about the unemployment rate going up, which capitulates into more people losing their jobs and arguing about the increase of job loss. It's a mobius strip that continues on into infinity.

Then the irony kicks in. People have lost their jobs because of 'fighting for their rights'--now they can't afford their Mortgage Payments, because they have no income. Which means that the sub-prime mortgage bubble bursts, causing the economy to divebomb. Which, of course, causes interest rates to skyrocket. Which, of course leads to... a crisis of Health Care! The circle is complete!!!

So, how do we fix the economy? If people stop gathering in groups and yelling at the White House and get back to work, they can afford their home Mortgages, the economy stabilizes, insurance rates go down, and there would be no need for Health Care overhaul. Isn't it funny that the way that these Health Care groups that are marching can actually accomplish their goal by giving up on what they're doing?

Full Circle

2010-03-08T09:01:00.002-05:00

A little less than two years ago or so, my wife had an itch for an iPod. It was insatiable. Despite any logic I could promote, she still had a want for one. Eventually, my logic won her over.

However, many friends and workmates of mine have this device, and from news reports and advertisements, it's become very clear that it is a famous and "revolutionary" device. I, of course, place that last adjective in quotations because I find it a suspect term. I mean, is the iPod really all that revolutionary?

Some of my friends tell me, 'It's great, because you can load SO much music on it'. Well, that may be true, but exactly how much of it do you ever listen to? I have an mp3 player in my car, I keep at any time about 5 disks full of albums in an attempt to condense them. I admit, it is very convenient to have them all on just a few disks at arm's reach. However, I have listened to about 5 or 6 albums in the last 4 or 5 months on those disks. It's great to have them at your disposal, but how much do they actually get used?

After this usage of the iPod, it all goes downhill quick. Other friends assert, 'You can put all of your music on shuffle--it's totally random! You don't know WHAT you're about to get'. Growing up, we called that a radio. And sure enough, I listened to an oldie-variety station on the way to work this morning and got that EXACT same feeling. In fact, I get to hear songs I don't technically own that way as well.

Another argument: 'It's a portable means of carrying all of your songs with you'. So's my walkman. Sorry to say, but this technology has been around some 20 years as well. Not too innovative, sorry.

Sure, iPods are great, albeit increasingly shrinking in size. Soon, we're going to all have to wear reading glasses to choose our Journey album of choice... er... well, THE Journey album that we own. (Seriously, who has anything other than just their Greatest Hits?) I'm not taking potshots at the product--I think it has its virtues. I'm just simply saying that it's not the revolutionary device that most people think it is. At best, it's a convenience upgrade.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

2010-03-04T11:13:00.002-05:00

/FAWM

FAWM is over. I have thus relinquished control of this blog from updates of the FAWM (That, coincidentally, I did not 'win'--getting only 10 songs done) and turn my attention back to the satirical thoughts that come up.

For instance, am I the only one completely annoyed by those 'Ask Gary' commercials? I know I'm not. No other human being can possibly build up such a tolerance level that they can get through those commercials without thinking ill of the company (or in some cases, the spokesperson... I'm talking to you, Roz).

The commercials themselves don't even make that much sense. Here's the gist, in case you haven't watched a lick of television in the last couple of years: A paid spokesperson (and they actually come out and identify themselves that way, verbally) is driving a car and mentions that, should they get into an accident, they wouldn't know who to call, expressing a line similar to 'I'm no doctor or lawyer'. Thus they tell the audience that they would want to call Ask Gary to be referred to a lawyer and/or doctor.

First... really? Is this the best way to advertise your service? Have someone come out and say, 'I'm not an expert in this field, but...' It's like I'm watching a commercial for a car dealership, presented with a goofy man in a polka dot tie, bouncing around and stating 'I'm no expert on cars, but if I needed a car, I'd come here.' If the spokesperson is not an expert, why are they the spokesperson? If you owned a company, would you want your PR to come out and say they know nothing of the service? "Come to Domino's. I don't know the first thing about making pizzas, but they're good, aren't they?" Workable? Sure. Smart? Not exactly.

Second, in the commercials, the spokespeople are always looking at the camera while they drive. IF they get into an accident? I think everyone who's done a commercial for Ask Gary GOT into an accident while filming! That's a horrible way to sell a service--when the representatives themselves are lackadaisical about their own driving skills. "Do you suck at driving? You'll probably get into an accident like I no doubt will. So when that happens, you should call Ask Gary."

FAWM Day 18

2010-02-18T08:19:00.001-05:00

8:20 AM

Today's my off day for writing music on my lunch break. I have a number of errands I have to run, and it will take up most of my lunch hour. Hopefully, on the other hand, I'll write some lyrics to fill out the rest of my 14 songs (minus the two collabs I've agreed, one of which the collaborator will do the lyrics, the other case, I'll co-write). If I can have the 'outline' for the rest of my songs done by this weekend, and leave the rest to just music writing, I have a fighting chance to get FAWM complete.

You might have read on the forum boards that my wife and I are expecting. :) So this will be my last FAWM as a guy-without-kids. I've already been instructed as to how to write music with children around. I'm sure it's as every bit as hard and rewarding as I hear.

No Playstation 3--apparently, Sony is not shipping any to the US. I know exactly why--it's a simple business model, since in three weeks, they're releasing the biggest title Game for the PS3 yet. Wait to supply systems until the game is out, so buyers who are buying a system and a game will not hesitate to buy other things they might not otherwise. -- I hate sony...

FAWM Day 17

2010-02-17T08:12:00.001-05:00

8:15 AM

Well, I had some important errands to run during my lunch break today--but I forgot them at home. Guess I'll do that tomorrow and turn TODAY into a songwriting lunch break day. I have two songs pretty much ready to go (rhythm-wise... I still want to do more, but it's crunch time). I'll record one today and record the other on Friday. In the meantime, I can finish off the lyrics on the rest of the songs I plan on doing this month.

FAWM Day 16

2010-02-16T09:22:00.002-05:00

9:20 AM

Nothing is so easily snapped as the fragile psyche.

After having a 12-hour (not counting sleep) breakdown convincing myself I would never be able to get FAWM done in time, I was given (once again) encouragement on the FAWM boards. This is the last battle--time to bite the bullet and go all out for the grand finale--and every other cliche involved with that.

FAWM Day 15

2010-02-15T08:31:00.004-05:00

8:30 AM

It's crunch time.

Day 15 with 3 songs finished. That leaves me 14 days to do 11 songs. The question is, can I do it? The answer: I'm certainly going to try.

This weekend was pretty interesting. I saw snow for the first time since I lived in NYC, and saw snow in the south for the first time since I was 4. Saw the parents in south GA. Had a decent weekend, despite the fact I got very little sleep.

Tonight will be hectic, but starting with tomorrow, I will be wholly focused (outside of work) to finishing FAWM. Let the songwriting begin!

12:50 PM

Returning from lunch. Wrote 3 songs during lunch. Together with the two songs I wrote before I went away for the weekend--I have my 5 songs to work on for the week. Going to refine and record by Thursday. I think I just MIGHT get my 14 for February.

Songs I wrote during lunch:

The Drum

Key of Em / A

Sit me at the rear, hide me from all the crowds
I’m incapable of whisper, I only do loud
I can’t stand alone, I’m just not built for that…

Slap me with power or just tap me real soft
I promise to take it with a grain of salt
I’m made for abuse so don’t feel sorry for that…

While the band is rocking, the lights go black
No one is watching anyone in the back.
It’s just monotone all I do is set the pace.
I’m the most necessary overlooked instrument in the place.

You can play me real fast or you can take it real slow
Set me up to be different or keep me with the flow
I’m just following the crowd, I’m just here to get on board.

Keep me real with some jazz or go to town with some punk
Make it cry with the blues or go off-beat with the funk
There are so many different ways I can be ignored.

(CHORUS)

My solos are short, my range non-existent
My intent is to follow, but my mood is insistent
I can’t be ignored, though, I’m always aplomb
Cause I epitomize percussion, I am the drum.

(CHORUS)

Bored with the Internet (Get out and get living)

(Based on http://xkcd.com/77/ ) Key of A

We have separated from the world we grew up in
The snow is falling, the fresh air is filling where we’ve been
But we’ve become complacent, lazy, and life is passing us by.
Let’s take a break and get back to life.

Grab your coat and let’s play out in the winter snow
We see the army of snowmen wherever we go
And you push me down, and I come up laughing as I
Kill you with kindness in a snowball fight.

And we smile for real for the first time in a while
As we remember what it’s like to really be alive.

We have shared so many times together
That it seems so absurd that we should ignore the weather
So we agree that we get back to the way we were
To spending time together in the world.

And we smile for real for the first time in a while
As we remember what it’s like to really be alive.

And we might write about our adventures
On our blogs and emails when we get home
But for now we’re staying busy, enjoying everything that we’ve had all along.

Want

(Based on http://xkcd.com/49/ ) Key of A

I want tonight to be the time I get this right
I want bravery to be modus operandi.
I want my emotions to be my poetic auteur
And I want this moment to never end.

I want to tell you the things I can’t articulate
I want to say ‘I love you’ before it gets too late
I want to force my common sense to finally bend
And I want this moment to never end.

I want to drive away from your house with you
Knowing that you will still be there when I get home
We can listen to the bands that you want to hear
And I won’t complain.

And I want to feel this way forever
With nothing to step in the way.

I want tonight to be the time I get this right
I want bravery to be modus operandi.
I want my emotions to be my poetic auteur
And I want this moment to never end.

FAWM Day 12

2010-02-12T08:23:00.000-05:00

8:22 AM

After tonight, I will officially be 3 songs behind. I also officially start my 2nd dead weekend (and hopefully my last dead weekend) by going to visit parents up in GA. When I get back, I have every intention on finishing the three songs I've started on, writing two more, and post five new songs by Wednesday or Thursday, at which time I start to grind out the last 6 songs in a similar manner (work on them all at the same time and record all 6 as a bunch).

Today I start back 'Final Fantasy Friday'. I'm pouring all of the soundtracks to FF4-FF12 (excl. 5 and 11, obviously) into a playlist and hitting random. See you all later!

FAWM Day 11

2010-02-11T08:15:00.002-05:00

8:15 AM

Got to work really early today--but then I goofed off and talked half the morning away already. :)

Ok, so here's what I came up with yesterday as a new plan for the rest of FAWM:

Up through yesterday, my goal was to write a song every two days. That isn't going to work for me, and here's why: I write a song, I say, 'Ok, done for now, back to life' and just drop it. Which means that, two days later, when I go to write another song, I have to reinvigorate my creativity, restarting basically at 0. Instead, I'm going to write 4 or 5 songs at once. That way, my creativity is still flowing, motivation is still pumping, and I can record background instruments without hooking/unhooking instruments 4 or 5 times within a week's time. At current, I have 3 musical rhythms--I plan on writing 2 more before this weekend, and when I return from my parents, practice and record them. If all goes according to plan, I should be up to 8 songs by Wednesday (day 17) and be almost caught up. From there, it'll be 'repeat the process' to put me to 14, and I'll have 11 days to write the last 6 songs. I think I can do that.

FAWM Day 10

2010-02-10T12:39:00.004-05:00

12:40 PM

About 10 minutes left on my lunch break. Was on Charlie Cheney's radio show last night--sounded like a complete buffoon, stumbling and stuttering and interrupting. As if I learned how to talk yesterday. Good guy though, that Charlie.

I finished my third song yesterday, which puts me behind two songs by the end of this day. Well, I wrote music for two songs during my lunch break. One will be a stand alone guitar, I feel. (12/8 time on acoustic guitar--very Dashboard Confessional / Secondhand Serenade / February's Leaving styled) The other song is just a basic rhythm that I'm hoping to put a lot of stuff behind. Hoping to work on lyrics for both songs sometime today and maybe record before this weekend (going to see the parents, another dead weekend for FAWM.)

FAWM Day 9

2010-02-09T08:39:00.002-05:00

8:40 AM

(Music listening to: Blink 182 - Dude Ranch)

Well, this is certainly an interesting position I'm in today...

Last night was a bust--no writing, no recording, no nuthin'. Yesterday at lunch I finished song 3, but I didn't get it recorded last night OR this morning. So I brought my laptop to work and plan on recording it during my lunch break. If this works, I might have an extra hour each day I did not plan for at the beginning of FAWM. My saving grace!

This morning rocked, too. I left 10 minutes early by accident, which allowed me to take my time on the way to work. I haven't had this relaxing of a commute in a really long time. It's put me in a clear mind for the day and hopefully it will reflect in recording my demo at lunch and writing song 4 (lyrics) this afternoon. Perhaps I can even write something more tonight and have song 4 done today too! Here's hoping.

Song 2 - Hint

2010-02-08T12:42:00.001-05:00

For those who want a little hint to the 'puzzle' in the lyrics of my second song, I've rearranged the lyrics a little below:

I
Wish I Saw Her.
I
Wonder About Sometimes.
And
Certainly Remember. Yesterday, Picturing The Other Girls, Running Away, Pretending How Everything Returns.

She Evidently Never Discerned I Never Got
Completely Over. Dreaming Every Dream,
Mulling Every Second Since Always Going, Ever Sorry

She Only Understands Now Doesn’t She
Realize Everyone’s Already Living Lies You
Can Only Oblige Lies

And if you haven’t gotten the point yet
Well, this job is certainly not for you…

FAWM Day 8

2010-02-08T08:03:00.002-05:00

8:00 AM

Well, the first really busy weekend is over. Had the parents down this weekend and I had a lot to do. Now that it's over, I can grind out (hopefully) 3 or 4 songs before this next weekend (where my wife and I are going up to see my parents--sort of a tradeoff set of weekends).

I brought my guitar to work this morning, so that's what I'll be doing on my lunch break. We have a conference/classroom type deal that's separate from the main building, so I won't be bugging anybody--no one ever really uses it except for after work. I'll be posting my progress throughout the week on here.

11:35 AM

Quick threw some lyrics together--boy can I write depression, huh? Anyways, going to write some music during lunch I hope--record later tonight for song 3. Song comes from my idea list "Please Don't"

12:35 PM

Returning from lunch--finished the chords for my new song. I like how it's going so far. I hope the demo recording goes smoothly tonight. If so, I'll have it up before I go to bed tonight.

Lyrics:

This is crazy, this is far too far and we know it
And we have passed the point of redemption
And you said “Can we keep this under control,
Just so long as it’s you and me?
Is there any way we can make this work?
I feel so alive when I’m with you.”
But we both know it’s not fair
It’s not right
And it never will be.

This is the last touch, the last kiss
And our goodbye before we get back to normal
(This is the only solution I can see)
This is the last breath, the last word
And the last time we’ll see each other again
Don’t make this harder than it has to be

So walk away, take the memory with you
I can’t bear to keep a keepsake of this time.
I’ll forgive if you forgive
And we’ll forgive, so we can move on
And someday we’ll get better
Someday we’ll get better

(CHORUS)

So walk away…
Walk away…

FAWM Day 5

2010-02-05T08:10:00.004-05:00

8:10 AM

I'm on day five and only have one song. Not to panic, because I sorta anticipated this. This first week is just so inundated with a lot of important things that I knew I basically only had the last three weeks to get my songs together. I'm going to spend down time today (when I get it) to write a lot of lyrics (I came up with an interesting concept on the way to work this morning) so I don't have to waste time on them when it becomes crunch-time.

Today is Friday--Video Game music day for me to listen to. Not necessarily JUST Final Fantasy (though I happen to be listening to OC Remixes of FF6 currently). Will update periodically throughout the day.

9:30 AM

Finished lyrics for my new song. Will write music tonight and record.

Cause Really, Yes, Point Taken

I Wish I Saw Her.
I Wonder About Sometimes. And Certainly Remember.

Yesterday,
Picturing The Other Girls, Running Away,
Pretending How Everything Returns.

She Evidently Never Discerned I Never Got Completely Over.
Dreaming Every Dream,
Mulling Every Second Since
Always Going, Ever Sorry

She Only Understands Now
Doesn’t She Realize
Everyone’s Already Living Lies
You Can Only Oblige Lies

And if you haven’t gotten the point yet
Well, this job is certainly not for you…

9:35 AM

There's a thread on the FAWM boards where everyone is posting individual lines to make a song. I've taken what's been put on there so far in order to turn it into a song. Here's how I organized mine:

Somniloquy [Cause that's just an awesome word!]

Wake up, wake up, why are you sleeping?
Isn't it time to abandon dreaming?
There's a whole 'nother world outside of your head

Wake up, wake up, time to start living
'Cause living your dreams sets your soul free
But all of our dreams are still lying in bed.

CHORUS:
How many sheep have you counted?
How many dreams have you doubted?
How many have drifted from fingers, outstretched?
It's time to wake up from your living death.

Reach out your hand, I've got a thought for you to hold...
life is the clay you have to mold.
Mould it, shape it, make it what you like

Wake Up! Your life is passing you by!
Make your dreams come true, learn how to fly.
Sing like the bird in your somniloquy.

(CHORUS)

BRIDGE:
Spread your wings, face the sun
If you don't get up, start moving [Bump]
there's still so much to be done [bump bump]
We've got to get a start, on starting improving.
You'll need to walk before you can run [bump bump]
Run faster, darling...

(Instrumental Bridge)

OUTRO:
Or you may run into the black starling
Are you tired yet? Or does the view of hell keep you satisfied
You can't help but wonder if you even really tried
Trying is easy, it's dreaming that's hard
but wake up, wake up it's time to start dreaming,
Out in the world new ideas have been teaming
Unless of course [this] causes you to wake up screaming...
[Thinking Things like] ‘What if the Mayans were off by 2 years’
Feeding your nightmares, feeding your fears,
It's time to stop listening, to those crazy seers,
Wake up, wake up, your wasting your life away
What else is there to say?
I guess I'll just leave

FAWM Day 4

2010-02-04T09:02:00.001-05:00

9:00 AM

Uneventful morning, outside of the fact that I woke up late and have been in high-gear even before I officially woke up. Not a great start.

I'm on day 4 with one song written, about 4 songs with 'intent' to write without actually having done anything to start creating them. Not a good sign--but I'll be spending my lunch break today brainstorming.

Wife and I will be getting a PS3 in a week or so in preparation of the release of FFXIII. We need the Blu-Ray player anyhow. That, and Madden '10 looks pretty nifty.

Thus, I will have to do my best to not be distracted by its prettiness until I've finished FAWM.

On an unrelated note, talked with my friend Matt (shade) who also is doing FAWM. He might not get to 14 he told me, but he's working on some songs, so he's giving it the ol' College Try.

FAWM Day 3

2010-02-03T08:12:00.002-05:00

8:10 AM

Settled into work. What an interesting morning I've had.

First of all, coming off of posting my first song last night, I sighed a breath of relief. Getting that first song is always the hardest--just like getting past the first checkpoint on a long journey. I can settle just a little, but not too much if I plan on getting 14 songs out. I've got a very complicated February with a lot of things to take my time--unfortunately, things of greater priority than FAWM. Just a challenge to overcome, I guess.

But anyways, that has nothing to do with this morning...

I got up and just took my time waking up, as I do every morning. It takes about an hour before I officially wake up and can properly use my brain to do anything worthwhile. So no song writing this morning--and doubtful for most of the mornings in February. Still, I got ready and out the door a little early so I could take my time to work.

On the way out of my driveway, I decided to do something I LITERALLY have not done in years--listen to music on the radio. Generally, my trips to work fall 50/50 in either of these categories: Listening to public radio or listening to CDs. With a few brief exceptions, I haven't listened to the radio's music in years. I know that seems unlikely and hard to comprehend, but it's so true.

So anyways, the first song on the radio (70s - 90s station) was 'The Boys are Back in Town', one of my personal favorite songs from that era. Unfortunately, it was the last 30% of the song or so, but still a great start. I listened to that station for awhile, which both inspired a song idea and reminded me why I don't listen to the radio all that much (i.e. the freakin commercials!)

Anywho, I was surprised to find out how many stations there actually are now. Before, you could only pick up about 10 stations in my town, half of them country, 3 more crap, and 2 decent ones, an alternative rock and the aforementioned oldies. I picked up a spanish rock station, about 70 christian rock stations (to be mentioned in my song), and at least 10 more talk radio stations. Needless to say, even though I kept the radio on all the way to work, I probably only heard about 7 or 8 songs in a 70-minute drive. That's pretty sad, if you think about it.

Well, I'm at work, need to get to work...

FAWM Day 2

2010-02-02T08:07:00.004-05:00

8:05 AM

Got in to work. Uneventful drive here.

I woke up at 5:30 this morning and recorded a rough draft of my first song--plan to listen to it at work to figure out what's needed to finish it off by tonight. It's just a guitar line, but it seems naked in parts--I'll supplement it with either piano or keyboards at some point.

Starting to go through my 'watchlist' songs to hear the people I started to watch. So far, nothing too bad. I've only had to 'unwatch' one person (hope I didn't offend them by doing that).

1:30 PM

Listening to 'Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me' from this past weekend on NPR's website. Took a break and heard my rough demo I recorded this morning--I really need to redo it, going to add some piano, maybe a second guitar tonight. Will post before I go to sleep.

4:30 PM

Cooling down to the end of the day--I'll be really hard pressed to finish my song tonight, because there's a lot I want to tweak, but I need to remember this is about finishing the song, not refining it. I'll hopefully start on my second song tonight or tomorrow on my lunch break. I just gotta stay steady paced or I'll never get it all done in time.

FAWM Day 1

2010-02-01T08:20:00.004-05:00

February 1st

8:30 AM
I had a choice. Get up or sleep a little more. I've failed in this choice for a week now. I compromised today.

I woke up at around 5:45 this morning, about 15 minutes before I had to start getting ready for work. I decided not to focus on anything musicwise, being the first 15 minutes I could do anything within FAWM. I'll do lyric writing and brainstorming during work today, I decided.

The drive to work was usual. (Music for the drive today--Dashboard Confessional) Behind absolute morons on a long 70+ minute drive to work. It's not even urban/city driving--it's a long stretch of country highway. Got behind a Lincoln who insisted on doing 5 under the speed limit, and even given that, slowed to 35 MPH (on a 60 MPH highway) when they saw a State Trooper on the side of the road!!! He isn't a stop sign! He's there to catch speeders, something you don't have a problem with. Move It!

Anywho, after finally getting to work, I checked out the first few songs from people on my watchlist. Elaine DiMasi did a great first song. Will post before I leave work today.

4:00 PM
One more hour of work--and I've come to mostly the same status as the Lincoln from this morning at the sight of a State Trooper. I'm on low fumes--1st gear--slug mode--crawly mccrawls-a-lot... you get the picture. Got a ton to do tonight, will try writing some music before bed. Hopefully have something structured for my first song by tomorrow. I'm working on a few project ideas that I'll expand on come tomorrow.

9:00 PM
Finished my first song in the writing process. Lyrics and rhythm guitar done. Going to record a temp demo in the morning--take it to work and listen to it to refine it a little--then come home and record a better, postable demo and have it up tomorrow night.

January 28

2010-01-28T08:04:00.001-05:00

Wrote a short song in about 15 minutes last night--was going to record it this morning, but it's hard to be motivated to play, record, and sing a song immediately after waking up at 5:30 in the morning. Maybe will record it tonight and put it up on FAWM tomorrow.

January 27

2010-01-27T09:08:00.001-05:00

Listened to some Kris Roe (of The Ataris) doing acoustic songs. I don't think I can prepare for FAWM much more than I have been for the last few days. I'm still brainstorming ideas, but I'm READY for February 1st to get here.

January 26

2010-01-26T10:36:00.002-05:00

Listened to some Something Corporate on the way to work, still working on building my desire to write some piano pieces for FAWM this year.

Other things of note: My parents got two new horses, bringing their total up to... I believe 2. In addition, here's a facebook account you should friend: http://www.facebook.com/#/profile.php?ref=profile&id=100000718780010

January 25

2010-01-25T08:49:00.002-05:00

Catching back up with the FAWMcasts from this past weekend, since I was at the in-laws. Had a decent weekend, but I begrudgedly have to get back to work.

What am I doing today to prep for FAWM? Well, I listened to a few bands on the way to work this morning to inspire writing with basic chords (Counting Crows) as well as Acoustic solo guitar (Dashboard Confessional). The sorts of things I regularly listened to when I was writing my best stuff (circa 2004-2005).

I'm also going to start today in doing a little working out a little each day to try and build motivation and a little self-esteem, which are two qualities I'm desperately going to need next month. I'm going to try and write two songs this week as a lead up to FAWM--I might post those up when I get them recorded.

Finally, I saw that my friend Matt, who I used to play in a band with, finally signed up for FAWM. His name on FAWM is 'shade', so you guys should head over and check him out.

FAWM idea list

2010-01-23T08:47:00.010-05:00

The following is a list I'm keeping of ideas to possibly include in FAWM this year:

Song Ideas:
- Theme song for Galaxy Invader (organs/rock, intro to Track 8 from 'I Can Make A Mess...')
- Mega Collective on FAWM boards
- Loteria Challenge on FAWM boards
- At least 1 SongFight song.
- FAWM Week Challenge 1
- FAWM Week Challenge 2
- FAWM Week Challenge 3
- FAWM Week Challenge 4
- Re-Score challenge (YouTube video by Errol)
- Collaboration with Matt

- A song with multiple vocal tracks singing different things at the same time (ala TBS)
- Story song of some kind (maybe even dark - 'The Tide')
- Piano and synth strings slow song (Making April - 'All of Yours' from the EP)
- An educational type song
- About Twitter, taking comments under the #FAWM search any given day.
- A number of serious songs concerning the characters of Homestarrunner.com
- - Doing a few collaboration songs with Strong Sad from HSR.

Song Title Ideas:
- Balance and Ruin
- Bullet Catch
- Darkness and Starlight
- Not That Blasted Quake Spell Again!!
- NYC is overrated
- The Marquee Theater
- Complacent, see?
- Please don't
- My privilege
- Sunset, Sunrise, repeat
- The Prince and the Popper
- The Radio Stations Aren't Alright
- Bio-mom
- A year of great deeds and empty promises
- Tradyng i's wyth y's (ys realli annoiyng)

Songs I've agreed to either on compilation or concept:
- Random Collaboration with Adam Hill
- Loteria theme: The Drums
- Collaboration with my friend Matt (shade)

January 23

2010-01-23T08:46:00.001-05:00

Came up with an interesting idea for FAWM--jotted it down. Gonna visit the in-laws this weekend, so I won't be around to write anything pithy or whatever on here. Added a link to the sidebar so that you can see my ever-evolving list of notes for preparation to FAWM.

p's

January 22

2010-01-22T09:01:00.000-05:00

I've decided to turn my random thought blog into my update blog for FAWM. It's located above this posting. I did this mostly because I'm only keeping the last day's updates on this blog. I'm sick of updating my profile every time I want to say, 'Hey, this is what I'm doing right now!'. I believe that should be for my twitter page, anyhow.

Anywho, feel free to head over to my blog if you have a few minutes to waste. When FAWM is over, this will probably be where I post my 'refined' songs, once I've had a chance to re-record them.

Hijacking for the purposes of FAWM

2010-01-22T08:55:00.002-05:00

This blog has now been hijacked...

Well... It's been reassigned for the next 40 days or so.

I'm taking part in an online community project called FAWM, a musical equivalent to NaNoWriMo (for those of you familiar with that). I've been keeping a daily blog entry on my profile on that site, but due to word space restrictions, I can only really keep 2 or 3 days worth of information on there. So, I decided to use this blog as my update blog for FAWM until the end of February. Just in case you were wondering what the heck any of what I say has to do with anything.

(Previous updates)

Update: January 21:

Finishing catching up on blogradio broadcasts that I missed. I'm really enjoying listening to the songs I missed last year in FAWM 09'.

I've changed my idea about doing a concept album for FAWM '10 this year. At least what I was planning on doing this week (something video game based). So, back to the drawing board.

I'm also wayyy behind in prep work for FAWM. I have about three things I need to do as far as hardware and equipment is concerned--and I haven't done any of them yet. This FAWM is supposed to get me motivated, but right now the lazy side of the force is still strong.

(1-Restring acoustic guitar; 2-Set up laptop as portable studio so I can mix on lunch break at work; 3-Prep with a few songs before Feb.)

---

Update: January 19:

At work, listening to Homestarrunner.com toons in the background. Starting to refine my objectives for February. Handling a number of challenges, a concept album, and maybe a SongFight submission or two. I'm starting to feel overwhelmed--but looking oh so forward to it!

How to jumpstart the economy

2010-01-19T10:12:00.002-05:00

I've been coming up with a few interesting ideas of how to help recover the economy here in the states. I know these will never be taken seriously, but it would help tremendously...

- All US licensed drivers (and we're talking about ALL -- Class E included) should retake an exam and driving test every 3 years. If someone fails their test, they have to retake the test a week later at their own expense ($50 - $60).
A) This would get stupid drivers off the road and save lives and time in commuting, thus saving gas from the morons that burn gas by putting the pedal to the metal 24/7
B) This would increase revenue, because I feel 1 out of every 2 drivers are going to have to pay this fee every 3 years.
C) This would create a lot of new jobs, for instructors and whatnot.
D) This would also make people more aware and competant of new driving laws when they are passed.

- I think churches that put incredibly cheesy or stupid (and in many cases, copywrite infringing) messages on their marquee signs should have their tax exemption certificates pulled. I just hate those stupid signs, because it makes them looks like chumps and makes religious individuals who actually know what they're talking about, such as myself, seem stupid and hickified. (And yes, any church can apply for a complete tax exemption certificate--probably about 40% of churches abuse that privilege by including non-church expenses under it)

Vacations... What are those again?

2009-10-22T10:29:00.002-04:00

Next week I'll be on an 8-day cruise with my wife. Our truly official first vacation after being married for 4 years! We haven't gone anywhere (except to see friends in the mountains, but that wasn't really a 'getting-away-from-it-all' type of vacation) since our honeymoon, so I'm looking forward to it. Which means you won't see any updates for the next week and a half after tomorrow. Sorry, but I don't think anyone reads this anyhow--so I guess I'm the only one who will be missing the updates...

The Many Faces of the Sky

2009-10-16T08:04:00.003-04:00

Something that just strikes me as weird is how versatile the sky is over a short period of time.

I left my house at around 6:45 AM this morning to a completely blackened darkness, mostly due to the fact that stratus clouds covered every direction as far as the horizon of my 'in-the-woods' house would allow me to see. Said cloud coverage continued up to about 7:10, as I passed my second 'checkpoint'* on my way to work. At this point, I encountered a number of sunrise phenomena.

[* I travel a two-lane highway for some 55 miles on my way to work, passing through no less than 4 'settlements' as I like to call them--small towns where the population can be counted on fingers and toes. I affectionately refer to these as checkpoints.]

First, there was that eerie sepia-tone tint that everything has as the sun crescends over the horizon at such an angle that the light is trapped under the clouds. See, the clouds were starting to dissipate in the direction of the sunrise (East, if my middle school-era education serves me), but the clouds directly overhead and in every other direction were still thick. So, I got to experience that 'I think I'm in the 1940's' feeling driving down the highway.

This is always a fun experience to behold. For one, you experience that invisible wall for seeing complete cloud coverage in one direction, while zero cloud coverage in another--without any gradual smoothing between the two, as if somebody put a giant glass bottle around the clouds and I was actually trapped inside with it. (Fears of crashing through proved unfounded.) Again, you get that cool tone of color as you drive.

Finally, once you get out from the range of under the doom cloud wall, you get that weird 'dystopia' effect--the one where, as you look ahead, things look like early spring: bright, cheery, full of hope; while as you look behind, all you see is the dark, forlorn clouds that you had just left, almost as the sky looks over a destroyed metropolis. (Is it just me, or is it weird that in sci-fi movies, dystopias are in a constant state of rain/heavy cloud coverage? As if to say after complete destruction of a city, they could never have a bright sunny day to take the kids to the park...)

Finally, I get to work, and it was like I woke from a dream. Absolutely no cloud that I could see, save a few whiter clouds to the south. This, of course, makes it all the more strange that I had encountered no rain on my entire drive, but got inside my work building just in time for the rain to come here.

Anyways, that was my adventure today with weather. In case anyone is interested, the computer still is dead and is not looking good for me. On the other hand, I came up with some interesting plot points for NaNoWriMo.

Oh, and yes, it's Final Fantasy Friday--week three in a row. Tackling soundtracks from FFX and FFXII mostly today.

The Power of Music

2009-10-15T08:20:00.003-04:00

In yesterday's post, I commented on how I had a rough start to the day based off of the fact that I was roused from sleep by one of the most dreckful songs the 80's had the gall to produce. This was sandwiched between other irks, such as an unworkable computer (looking all the more to be a dead computer now) and a dead stop to my NaNoWriMo story idea.

Neither of the two latter situations have remedied themselves; yet, I'm in a much better mood today? Why could this be the case? By an improvement in the third variable--music.

Yesterday, I couldn't get that blasted "Werewolves of London" song out of my head. Today, I woke to Elton John--granted, not a first-string choice of voices to come to consciousness over. Yet, it was one of his better songs ("Somebody save my life tonight") and I actually laid there to listen to it... until my wife reached over me and shut it off. I thought she was an Elton John fan...

Anyways, after this, I grabbed a mix MP3 CD of musicals and proceeded to listen to the Broadway recording of "West Side Story" on my way to work. Haven't heard it in forever, and I don't think I've really liked it more than I do right now (for some unknown reason). Needless to say, I'm all smiles today.

Amazing what a morning choice of music can do to a person, huh?

Computers just make my day...

2009-10-14T08:10:00.003-04:00

Can you pick up on the sarcasm? I hope so, cause I intended it to be that way...

This has not started off to be a good day. First, late last night, before I went to bed, I started to seriously question my plot for NaNoWriMo--coming up against some legitimate issues with central points to the plot. Not just plot holes or contradictions--Real, serious issues, such as 'Ok, what do we do now?' To wit: I don't have an answer.

So, that wasn't a good mood to be in. This morning, I wake up to the radio going off (as usual, nothing unusual there). However, one of the most annoying songs that was spawned from the 80's (and that's a VERY high bar to jump) was the song that had roused me from my sleep. "Werewolves of London". Specifically, it came on right at the chorus. My eyes weren't even open yet and already I was rolling them. Needless to say, my radio did not deserve the fierce slap it received at that juncture.

So, how can we cap off such a wonderful trifecta of bad-day-iness? How about a complete computer failure?

My wife openly admits to accidentally getting a virus the other day. Nothing I'll complain about, as I've done this no less than a dozen times throughout my life. However, of all of the viruses to be gotten out there, she got a doozy.

Turn on computer - BIOS loads - Windows splash screen - Instantaneous BSoD.

Won't allow safe mode. Won't even attempt to load Windows before the failure screen. This one's going to be fun to fix. I'm thinking a wipe is going to occur. It doesn't sadden me all too much, as I back everything up on media AND an external hard drive. My wife is quite upset, however, as she is an amazing artist (mostly with sketches) and has been in rare form as of late, scanning everything into the computer and coloring it--spending hours on hours. Very little of it is backed up. (In her case, saved online on an art website she frequents, where she can download them back.) I just know it's going to be quite a bit of work for me to get this thing fixed, and with my shortened 'at-home' time now that I'm working (65 minutes away, so the commute zaps even more time), I'm going to have a very busy week (+ -end)

Ah well, at least I have something to do. I hope the day doesn't worsen any...

EDIT: Spoiler--It didn't. Not a bad day... Onto fight the ongoing battle with technology!

NaNoWriMo, take 3.

2009-10-12T10:51:00.003-04:00

For those of you unfamiliar with NaNoWriMo, check this out. NaNoWriMo.org

The National Novel Writers' Month competition is one that I've attempted a number of years in the past, but really to not much avail. (One year, I got about 1/4 of the way through in one week, but then gave it up as Final Fantasy XII was being released. Priorities, man... Priorities.)

When my wife came up to me this year and expressed her interest in trying it this year, this only fueled my determination to give it the ol' college try one more time. I've gotten a good idea of what I want to write about (surprisingly, I was kicking around 5 ideas I had developed in the past, only to put them on the shelf once again for an idea I devised this morning on the way to work). I'll probably post some of my ideas and updates of its development on here as it takes place.

Final Fantasy Friday

2009-10-02T08:11:00.064-04:00

(For those of you who are unfamiliar with what 'Final Fantasy' is, I unfortunately recommend you to check out my other postings or to check back on Monday, as there is far too much to explain in the time that I have today.)

I declare this day "Final Fantasy Friday"

I'm going to spend the day (while at work) listening to the soundtracks to Final Fantasy(ies) 4 - 9 (excl. 5). I listened to FF4 on the way to work this morning (long commute, some 65 minutes) and was brought back to some awesome memories in the process. My work computer is firing up FF6 as we speak, where I'll start. FF6 - FF9 should take all the time until I get home this evening around 6 PM, and anything that's left over, I'll work into FFX (of which I actually have the official soundtrack to, not just MIDI renditions as the predecessors.

Check back throughout the day, as I'll be keeping my blog window open and posting my thoughts and updates throughout the day, as listed below...

8:15 AM (Had to get set up with work): Final Fantasy VI begins--Crystal theme and Opening Scene. Crystal theme on this MIDI has a nice left-right panning effect; since I'm wearing headphones, it's like Uematsu's right here in the room, dancing around my head.

- I've listened to these soundtracks a hundred times each, but never with headphones. The surround effects are really good. I keep looking around for a hidden orchestra in this room.

- Listening to the world theme in the World of Balance. Just looked at the total time--almost two and a half hours for this whole soundtrack. I'll be listening until almost 11 AM! Good thing I love the music to this game, huh?

- You know, for being one of the most evil villians in a Final Fantasy, or any game really, Kefka has a very goofy theme... I think it's good that (on this compilation at least) the Empire's eerie music follows...

- The Mountains east of South Figaro, where you fight Vargas. Ugh, the first annoying stage of the game, because of all of the enemies that can poison you... lots of them 'Bats' talked about on the VG trope website. (I'm posting a lot I've noticed... Don't worry, about 30 seconds every 10 minutes should be alright.)

9 AM If you're coming across some sad/serious information during the course of your job, I highly recommend listening to Celes' theme while reading it... Very effective mood music.

- The intro to the Ghost Train music actually sounds like a 1940's cartoon--kinda like that one Popeye cartoon where he rescues his pappy from the island with the weird ogre looking guys. Actually, the whole song does... (I know it seems like I'm doing a lot of typing on here, but in actually, I'm getting a lot of work caught up today--it's been rather really productive.)

- Ugh... the ragtime 'Teach Me' screen... Just... ugh...
- - Saved by the next song - The Serpent Trench.

- Ah, the opera house. I've been listening to a track from 'Dear Friends' that plays the actual opera that gets interrupted during the course of the game. It's called "The Dream Oath" and just furthers the evidence in my case that Nobuo Uematsu is the greatest composer of any field of music for all times. Hearing the MIDI now, though, is more nostalgic than anything, but it makes me want to listen to the Dream Oath live. Perhaps on the way home from work...

- 2nd Ugh of the day - Magitech Factory. Full of some REALLY annoying enemies. At least my workmate ran to the store and brought back a Zero candy bar for me. Thanks, Becky.

10 AM - Relm's theme is such a favorite of mine. Can't listen to it enough... I think she's one of my favorite characters in the game, too. I mean, it's certainly not Umaro...

- Heh, 'The Seal is Broken'... escaping the Floating Continent... This is music (I've learned from experience) you do NOT want to listen to loudly in the dark. (I love playing video games late at night with no lights on except the TV, but this is freaky. Like 'Silent Hill' freaky)
- - But is immediately followed by Celes' theme (or a reasonable facsimile - 'Alone on the Island')
- The town music for the World of Ruin always makes me sad-faced. I know they're ficticious people, but that scene where the city gets ripped in half by Kefka's ray is pretty atrocious, even for a 16-bit graphics game.

- Hoo boy, another potential tear-jerker. Rachel's theme. I swear, I am a man among men, but every time I get Locke's flashback conerning Rachel (in the world of Balance), I just about lose it. The music... it's all the music's fault...

- Already to 'Dancing Mad'?! Wow, time sure flies by. I guess it has been almost 2 1/2 hours. (And yes, I'm still staying productive. I'm quite pleased with myself actually)
- - My, this song is long. Only half-way done after like 4:30. Then there's a 11-minute epilogue. Guess I'm not as close to being done with this as I thought.
- - Then again, the rock organ part just started. Black Mages do a great job with this song.

- Uematsu writes Ending/Epilogue music better than even John Williams. Yes, I said it.

10:40 AM - Wow. It's been awhile since I heard that whole soundtrack. Well, the memories will linger, but the heart and ears move on to Final Fantasy 7, starting now...

- I'll just take a few minutes here real briefly to explain my position on Final Fantasy 7--as the Prologue plays on in my ears... I used to hate it, mostly because I was upset about Sony picking up the rights to Final Fantasy. I refused to even acknowledge it as a game... until I actually played it. I still had a deep love for the SNES games and considered them the best, but the more I played 7, the more I liked it. Then I started to really listen to the music. FF7 is by far the best soundtrack to a Final Fantasy, and perhaps the best compilated album of songs ever recorded--and yes, even though it was written in MIDI format!!!!! You'll hear a lot of praise in this section of the blog...

- Getting distracted by work with this case, but Aeris' Church theme (with the tubular bells harmonizing) brought me right back to the music. Ahhhh....
- - Alright, back to 'automatic' mode, where I can do the work without a lot of deep research into what i'm doing, all to the tune of 'Underneath the Rotting Pizza'.

- And now to Tifa's theme. This is a character (and song) that has increasingly grown dear to me over the 10 years (since I played FF7 the first time... actually, 10 years ago last month was the first time I went through it.)

- (Music break, phone call to the Misses. Besides, I gotta get up and stretch)

- (And now on to lunch...)

12:35 PM I have just a little bit left of lunch, but i'm back to my station listening to music. Getting up the Shinra tower. Great music throughout the game.

- 'Ahead on our Way', leaving Midgar after the Motorcycle + boss. Ahhhhhhhh..........
- - Which of course is followed by the heavenly 'Main (World) Theme'. I could loop this for 10 straight hours and not be tired of it...

- And don't forget 'Farm Boy'... geez, all of these songs make me wanna play 'Chocobo's Dungeon' again...

1:00 PM Already getting to the Gold Saucer. Boy there are some memories and good tunes here. "Interrupted by Fireworks" is both.

- 'Sandy Badlands' - We learn a little bit about Barrett. This music kinda turns my heart, much like Rachel's Theme from FF6. Kind of a sad history with him, playing it out in my head how it goes in the game...

1:35 PM - It begins. The music for the 'Forgotten City'. Beneath the city... towards the altar. J-E-N-O-V-A, and the final piece of music to end Disk 1. It's perhaps the greatest 7 minutes of music I own..
- - And then to couple the beginning of Disk 2, wandering ~~through the snow of the Northern Continent~~.
- - - (Edit: The music I'm listening to is not wandering around the snow, but prior to that, when still in the city. It's called 'Anxious Heart')

- Just looked at the time, a little over half-way done with this particular soundtrack, meaning I'll be starting FF8 shortly after 3, which will make 8 the last one I listen to today! (I'll only be able to get 4 soundtracks in... what a disappointment!)

- Ah yes, 'The Countdown Begins' - Weapon is first released. Fast bloodpumping strings, anybody?

2:00 PM - Hmm, the music where the team is captured by Shinra. (You know, right after the whole 'Cloud falls into the Lifestream' incident...)

- Oooooohhh... 'Who am I' and 'Who are you'. While Cloud has his 'freak-out' in-his-head event. Love the music here. Eerie...

- What? Already at the end? J-E-N-O-V-A's final form and One Winged Angel. As mentioned above, however, the Epilogue is some of Uematsu's best work, yet again.
- - A great ending to a great game.

2:45 PM - Starting our last soundtrack for the day, and I don't even believe I"m going to get all of it before I leave work. At least the best music of this game is within the first half of the soundtrack...

- Much like with FF7, I've been distracted with some research, but i'm back to paying attention. Missed 'Balamb Garden' and 'Blue Fields'--two great songs, but I was kinda listening. I can always hear them again later.

- FF8 does not use MIDIs in the game--however, I downloaded the MIDIs online to form my soundtrack. The composer of these MIDIs did a great job in compiling them; however, the bass note resonates a full 4 seconds passed the end of the song. It's weird and annoying, especially in tracks like this one: 'SeeD'.

- Although you do have to give it to FF8--catchiest battle music in the series. 'Force Your Way.'

- Squall meets Rinoa at the dance. Nice music.
- - Squall disses Quistis after the dance. Nice music.

- Julia/Eyes on me. Always makes me feel bad I don't play as much piano anymore.

- Familiar tune: 'Succession of Witches'. It's when FF8 starts to go off the deep end with "Huh?" moments....

- 'The stage is set': Preparations for the assasination of the Sorceress at the end of Disk 1. Kind of a cool 'hunting' theme of music for, like, playing a FPS.

- (You starting to notice my lack of enthusiams with my updates? Yeah, it's late on a Friday. They're going to be less... impacty.)

- Heh, but just as I say that... 'Fithos Lusec Wecos Vinosec'. The chant during the Squall-Edea encounter that ends Disk 1. Gotta love the drama that Sagaguchi builds in his games.

4:00 PM - This Final Fantasy Friday has sure made the day go by quicker. A lot of mood music, really uncertain where in the game it should be. Supposedly these tracks should be in chronological order that they're encountered in the game, but that's not always true. I got the actual track listing from the site as it reflects the OFFICIAL soundtrack listing. They could just be off on the listing (for instance, the ending 'Slide Show' songs are in the middle somewhere).

-Mmmm, 'Ami'. Pretty music... right up there with Julia earlier...

- Got 45 minutes of work left, but I'm going to wind down and just listen casually to the music--getting into a batch of cases with no info in them--lots of research. Thanks for reading.

History Never Lies about Network Servers

2009-09-28T08:25:00.005-04:00

Friday, just before leaving work, there was a notification sent to all concerning our data entry application--there would be some server update work taking place on Monday (today) from 12:00 AM to 4:00 AM, well before anyone got to work--so that it would all be done and ready to go for the workers when they get in.

Now, from working in IT before, including a position where I was responible for monitoring (note--not integrating or applying) the updates. 10 out of 10 times, even though the updates would "take place during the night", nothing worked the next day. Oftentimes, it wouldn't be right until about 2 hours after everyone had got to work.

So, from my previous work experience, I took this notification to mean that there would be some downtime today. However, this was argued against by many over the fact that "I used to work for a rinky-dinky Credit Union--this is a State job, including a server for the entire State."

Well, it's 8:30 AM and the server's still down. Point for me?

(EDIT: 9:50 and no server. We're getting close to meeting the '2 hours' target average from the last job. Are we going for a new record? I seem to recall us being down for some 5 hours on one occasion.)

(EDIT 2: 10:35 and we're back up. 2.5 hours is by no means a record, but certainly a contender based off of the average I'm used to.)

Mathematical Theorum of Tire-Personality

2009-09-25T12:38:00.002-04:00

I oftentimes complain about the people I am forced to be in close proximity to when driving. Many of the thoughts and words that come about are legitimate. Here is yet another observation--perhaps one a bit more scientific.

I call it the Tire-Personality Theorum. It goes as follows.

"The defensiveness of a driver (x) is inversely proportional to the distance past the frame of a vehicle their tires stick out (y). Conversely, the reckless, carefree attitude of the driver (a) is directly proportioned to y. Additionally, the distance that the driver allows before merging in front of you (b) (whether in a multi-lane road or in passing) is inversely proportional to y.

You start to see the relation of all of the 'bad habits' of drivers in relation to their tires' sticking out from the car. Not to say that only vehicles with these absurd tire proportions are bad--there are plenty of others. However, 99 out of 100 vehicles (mostly trucks) with sticking-out tires fall into this theorum.

Did we get all of that? y = a + b = 1/x. Trust me on this--there will be a study done on my theorum some day.

Missing Appreciation

2009-09-24T09:51:00.002-04:00

I think I finally realize why people don't seem to appreciate the wonders of nature as much anymore.

You drive to work early in the morning, groggy with only the mere substance of caffienated coffee stirring in your system to keep you from collapsing into a ball of human genetic materials in the floorboard of your car. You head down the two-lane highway that takes you from the small town that you live in to avoid the huge city life across the wilderness of countrysides. In the break of trees, though, perhaps on a two mile straightaway, you see the peeking of the first rays of purple light creeping up over the horizon. Though a site beheld a myriad times, it captivates, enthralls, hypnotizes. The same color scheme every day. The same hues that have been recreated by designers and artists throughout history. Yet, you just can't turn away. Perhaps on an overcast or partly cloudy day, the sky almost seems terraformed with continents of vapor, which in turn reflect the palatte of majesty.

And as you stare longingly, feeling alive for the first time in weeks, you turn forward just in time to steer your car back onto the road, seconds away from bullrushing a tree. At which point, all you can think about is how stupid nature is for distracting you.

The Church of Commercials

2009-09-23T09:57:00.002-04:00

I don't like to touch on touchy subjects (in my blog, at least), but there's this one Church in my town that I just feel like going up to and... well... smacking some sense into whoever is doing their marquee sign outside.

You know the type, the kind of sign where they put up the individual letters that spell out words--they're quite common.

Anyways, most churches I've found have something incredibly corny that has nothing to do with the Bible (or in some cases, religion at all), but this one church, over the course of the last two months, have put up not only cheesy little sayings, but lawsuit-worthy phrases.

Without exaggerating, here are some of the things said:

'Geico saves you money, Jesus saves your soul'
'God is like Allstate--you're in good hands'
'Save money? Go to Wal-mart. Save your soul? Go to church'

I'll stop here... though I think there are a few others.

Now, I'm no lawyer. Still, I believe the term Trademark refers to something like Intellectual Property that is owned by a person or company. I even believe some companies have copywrited (copywritten?) actual phrases so that they can't be used commercially. Since when do churches feel they get an exemption from this? And it's not even like they're clever sayings. They basically just watched a commercial at 11 PM at night and thought, 'Hey, that sounds like a good thing to put on my sign.'

Not i'm not religion-bashing here. But I do believe that the signs have to go. Or at least put something worth reading on there, not just when Bingo is this week.

That's my opinion, at least.

On a serious note...

2009-09-22T12:37:00.002-04:00

Oftentimes, I try to incorporate a little humor or sarcasm in my comments, but I just can't manage it today. I've been listening to some songs that really bring back some memories. It's really funny how music has the ability to attach itself to memories to make them seem more vivid or alive to you, where you weren't even thinking about them before the song. As if music has a direct attachment to the parts of the brain related to memory storage. Any scientists out there want to take this up as a study?

Signatures and News

2009-09-21T10:21:00.002-04:00

And a hearty good morning to all.

I decided this past weekend to (once again) fire up this IMHO blog. This time, sincerely keeping them short--thus increasing the chances I can actually put something up most every day. ... Well, within reason, of course.

So, it's only 10:30 AM here. I've been at work for a little over 2 hours (Now on my 15-minute break, in case anyone from management is checking in). Yet, I've somehow come across two interesting thoughts that just have made me laugh.

Signature Lines on Emails

I received an email from a colleague earlier today necessary for research. This was the first time I emailed this person (and in all honesty, have never actually met this person), and thus, saw her email signature ever.

Now for those unfamiliar with an email Signature, business individuals who use a program to manage their email will oft-times personalize their email templates to already have their name and contact information at the bottom. Usually, this is nothing more than a name, title, address, phone number... that sort of thing.

However, this email I received today had a pithy saying at the end of it. (I really should call it a 'pity' saying, as you'll soon discover) Now, this in itself isn't really unusual--on the occasional online forum, I'll do the same. However, this particuar line actually had created a paradox in space and time. I'm surprised my computer has not imploded from receiving an email from her.

The message, for fear of crashing this blog server, is read below:

YOU ONLY FAIL, WHEN YOU DON'T TRY
I actually spent about 5 minutes dissecting this sentence. Take a minute to gather your own thoughts about it before reading on. I'll wait...

Ok, back with me?

First of all, the line itself is a falsity. There are plenty of people who try and fail. Consider my high school career. I did fine in every class except Calculus, which I tried my best at, and still failed. Thus, the sentence itself is not true.

However, my biggest concern was the paradox in it. The grammar is incorrect. There is a comma where there should be no comma, and no period where there should be at the end. Thus... she failed. However, by the context of the information in the statement itself, she didn't fail, because she tried. Thus is born a paradox. It's one of those English Faux Pas that you learn about in College English I; like 'There is no error in this sentance.' I know this seems like nit-picking, but for a professional LEGAL businesswoman to have a paradox in their signature line... well, it scares me.

News Articles that make you think...

My workmate, Becky, on her 15-minute break, was reading news articles from the local paper's website reciting of the news. She brought to my attention that 'From the news desk', at the top of the page, told the story of a local woman who just today won $1,500 dollars in a contest that her local bank was holding. Talk about a slow news day, huh?

Well, our gripe comes in the form of the fact that this story is... well, how do I put this.... NOT NEWS. In fact, one would go so far as to say that many readers wouldn't really CARE about this particular story. In general then, the point is how newspapers, television reporters, and Web news sites, when choosing their 'top stories', always puts some article that nobody really cares about. For instance, when Yahoo puts on their top four links under 'News' a video of a 6-month old kitten batting around a ball of yarn. Cute? Of course. Sharable with friends? Absolutely. News? To my friend's 3 year old daughter, perhaps, but not to me.

To reinforce this point, referring back to the news article Becky was looking at, the stories that the money winner TRUMPED included a plane crash (in a town about 50 miles away), a child being killed in his driveway, as well as some seasonal medical advice that could help hundreds.

Do you see the problem here? Not that it doesn't matter some random lady won money from a bank--I think it's great... wish it was me. It just... isn't news.

In my honest opinion, I believe that Newspapers and TV News programs should have some sort of a section separate from the news... Actually, wait... they do. It's called Editorials, Opinions, or OTHER FLIPPIN' SHOWS OTHER THAN THE NEWS. At the very least, have a section called Not News to talk about it. Not 'Entertainment News' or 'Film Reviews'--just Not News. Is that so much to not muddy the definition of News for the people today?

'Australia' the movie

2009-07-16T23:28:00.003-04:00

My wife and I saw the movie Australia at the behest (and the allowance of borrowing the DVD) of friends of ours. I was a bit apprehensive from seeing it, as the movie really isn't my style of something to watch. (To further my fears, the back cover lists the movie as a 'romantic action adventure, with comedy, drama and spectacle. High bar, much?) I surprisingly endured the whole 165 minutes (That's almost 3 hours!) without any alcohol, usually a must for this sort of 'adventure'.

Long story short, I would give the movie a 5 out of 10. It wasn't bad. It was... well... it was a movie, and it was obvious they spent a lot of time on it. However, for me to be writing about it, there would have to be certain irks, right?

Oftentimes, when I'm playing a video game or watching a movie (etc.), I like to do a little roleplaying in my head as if I were the writers, director, actors and so forth. It helps me to look past what I'm actually looking at or listening to--to actually understand what is going on here. Often, this makes things good, because I can be pleasantly surprised when my expectations are shown to be wrong. A good twist on a prediction always is worth a few points in my book. (You'll note that those points were missing from Australia's 5 given above.) Thus, I would like to mention my thoughts while watching Australia for the first (and probably last) time.

---

Pre-movie: The writers (there were 4 of them) brainstorm.

Writer 1: Alright, guys. We've got a sure blockbuster ahead of us. What should we write about? Come on. What sort of things are you all into?

Writer 2: Well, I'm certainly a fan of westerns and those sort of adventures. Oh, and I love Chuck Norris. Gotta be something like that in there.

Writer 3: Maybe, the Chuck Norris thing works, but we definitely have to do a war piece. I mean, look how successful 'Pearl Harbor' was! In fact, it's gotta take place in the middle of World War II. People can't get enough of that!

Writer 4: This sounds kinda dark. We need something lighthearted. Something pure and innocent... What if we included some sort of running theme tied in with a classic movie. You know, 'The Wizard of Oz' is my favorite movie. That Judy Garland....

Writer 1: Ok, ok... lots of different ideas. They're all so good, too. Seems like they would clash, though.

Writer 2: Nah, not at all. I'm sure we can fit them all in.

Writer 4: Yeah. "Wizard of Oz" would have been out by World War II, so that fits.

Writer 1: Just because something 'fits' doesn't mean it'll work though.

Writer 3: Sure it will. People love genre mixing. Romantic Comedies, Epic Adventures, that sort of thing.

Writer 1: Well, let's just see. I'll write down all these ideas for now, but I think...

Writer 4: Oh, you know what? You liked Chuck Norris, right Bill? I was watching X-Men the other day, and that Hugh Jackman looks a lot like him.

Writer 1: I don't think he looks exactly...

Writer 2: You're absolutely right! We must get Hugh Jackman to play the lead. He'll be all like carrying a gun on a beach, storming Vietnam...

Writer 3: Except it's World War II.

Writer 2: Yeah, World War II. But he's got a gun and he's all like, rat-a-tat-a-tat-a...

Writer 1: Wait a minute... just wait. I get a say in this, too. I was kinda hoping to do a period piece, maybe about life in Aboriginal Australia...

Writer 3: ...And then the Japanese can drop bombs all around him, and he comes up from the smoke running, sweat pouring from his forehead.

Writer 1: Guys...

Writer 2: And he has to rescue a house full of children from all of these evil army men. Just him and his obedient sidekick.

Writer 1: Guys?

Writer 4: Now, come on... This is way too violent. There's no way we can fit songs into this movie as it is now. I want songs! "Somewhereeee over the rainbow..."

Writer 1: GUYS! Now, I'm head writer, and I say we're going to do my Aboriginal Australia idea.

Writer 2: ... With Chuck Norris.

Writer 3: And bombs and soldiers...

Writer 4: And Judy Garland every 10 minutes.

Writer 1: FINE! Whatever!

---

I'll take a little break here. But you get the idea. Honestly, I've covered most of the synopsis of the movie with that little pow-wow. However, this was just one conversation flowing through my head. During the course of the movie, I also was piecing together a brief overview of the movie. As if to say, 'How could I describe this movie in about a minute or two? After all, it's almost 3 hours long!'

If you've never been to Rinkworks.com, Rinkmaster Sam has a section called Movie-a-Minute wherein he makes a (comical) shortened form of the movie that truthfully tells the movie. I'd like to do my own version below.

---

Dan's Movie-a-Minute of 'Australia'

Extra 1: Crikey, I'm Australian. Hear my strong Australian accent? Blimey. People love accents.

Hugh Jackman: Crikey, that's true. Accents make a movie worth watching. See how much Australian lingo I know? There's a Shirley crossing the never-never...

Nicole Kidman: I'm an uptight British lass in Australia. Hugh Jackman, you are a man of the land, whom I could never warm to.

Fletcher: Crikey, I'm a lecherous Australian man, but so is everyone else here, because it's World War II era, and there's no such thing as equality.

Nicole Kidman: Hugh Jackman, save me from these close-minded people.

Hugh Jackman: Crikey, I can't do that, Shirley, I mean, Ms. Ashley. I'm a man of the land. I go as I please.

Nicole Kidman: Please?

Hugh Jackman: Fine, but we do things my way. We have to move cattle.

Aborigines: We're just going to chant Aboriginal things. That ok?

Nicole Kidman: I love Australia. I've become so attached that I'm going to become motherly to everyone. WHERE ARE YOU GOING?! DON'T LEAVE ME!!

Hugh Jackman: Bye.

Fletcher: Hey, babe... Er... G'day Ms. Ashley. Your ranch will be mine, and I will bug you about it every day until you sign it over.

Townspeople: We hate the Aborigines and Hugh Jackman, because he likes them.

Japan: Huzzah! Bombs away!

Townspeople: We still dislike the Aborigines, but less now.

Hugh Jackman: I found myself. Anyone seen Ms. Ashley?

General: She's dead. Please, Mr. Jackman, please turn into Chuck Norris and save the children.

Hugh Jackman: Shapeshift into Chuck Norris!

Townspeople: (Cheers)

Hugh Jackman: I'm back, after my loyal friend sacrificed his life, as per custom dictates.

Nicole Kidman: I'm alive!

Hugh Jackman: Wonderful! I'm going to the bar.

Fletcher: My life is ruined, which it pretty much has been this whole film. Die, main characters.

Aborigine Witch Doctor: No you don't.

Fletcher: Ack! I am dead.

Hugh Jackman: At least me, Ms. Ashley, and the aboriginal child can live happily ever after.

THE END

---

Really, this sums up the main points of the movie. Just stretch it out into 3 hours. I have more to say about this, but I'll save it for tomorrow. After all, we started the movie at 8:30 PM, and with me typing this all immediately after the movie, it's now Midnight on the dot.

---...---

8:00 AM, the next morning

Sorry, I was drifting asleep there last night. I still had a little more to go on about the movie. I did want to say real briefly that I thought the movie was okay. As mentioned at the outset, I would give it a 5, so there are some elements that really work for it. (Not to mention I keep expecting Hugh Jackman to grow claws and attacks the bad guys. The bar fight scene at the beginning doesn't help my impression.) However, there are 3 problems with the film that hinder it from being anything more than an 'ok' movie. I've listed those three problems below in increasing importance, along with a 4th 'It's just me' reason.

#4. It's just me... but it's not my type of movie. War movies are not my thing, and cattle driving isn't exactly a spectator sport for a reason. Of 3 hours, at least 1 solid hour of it involves watching them drive cattle, and about 35 minutes or so involves Chuck Norris-mode Hugh Jackman. In fact, now that I think about it, it was more like 30 minutes or even 25, which, comparitavely makes the cattle driving part seems not only much longer but the ending (where this is located) a bit rushed. All in all, just not my cup of tea.

#3. It's just too formulatic. I'm not a film critic. I only watch about 3 movies a year as they come out, and usually 2 of them are after the DVD is released. Yet, if I, the average joe, can predict everything that happens in a movie right before it happens, not enough thought was given the script. Granted, for a 90-minute movie, there's only so many 'twists' one can write in without seeming like a circus. Still, for a 3 HOUR MOVIE, this kinda becomes tedious. From the second Ms. Ashley arrives and 'proves that she's not as stuck up as the first 10 minutes of the film would lead you to believe' all the way to the 'if you kill the kid, we can't have a happy ending' last minute, most average movie watchers can predict what's going to happen. Nothing much exciting happening here, folks.

#2. There's no reason this should have been one movie. By now, you've picked up on these two points: The movie was tediously long and the movie encompassed two very differing genres involving cattle driving and war. Why couldn't this have been split into two separate movies? You had enough material, obviously. It even FEELS like a seperate movie once Drover leaves the ranch half way through. As soon as they even MENTION the war going on, flashbacks of 'Pearl Harbor' start flooding the minds of the watcher. I all but expect Cuba Gooding, Jr. to run across the beach of Darwin, Australia, looking to help Hugh Jackman out. This just feels like two movies glued together at the seam.

#1. 3 Hours of poor, poor cinematography. Oh man, this just stood out like a sore thumb the entire time, with the apex of goofiness during the moments that should have been tear-jerkers. I'll give you an example...

***SPOILER ALERT***
There's a scene where, while on the drive, Fletcher, the OBVIOUS bad guy* (See Below), is trying to sabotage the drive by running the cattle off of a cliff. Two of Drover's helpers try to steer them away from the cliff. One of the horses trips, sending the helper, Mr. Flynn, under the stampede. As he falls, the camera zooms in on his face (which looks cartoonish to begin with). However, there are jaw-droppingly bad blue/green screen effects going on that are so unrealistic, my pet cat, who watched the film with us, shook his head and laughed like Muttley from Hanna Barbara. I was supposed to be feeling for the man trampled to death, as well as the drovers who almost died stopping the stampede. Instead, I just sat there grinning, trying my best not to laugh.
***SPOILER ALERT***

I felt bad that I wanted to laugh, especially since my wife criticizes me for constantly making fun of movies. Still, this was just a taste of things to come. There were two reasons why the computer-imposed screens looked so fake. A) They ALWAYS were zooming in on the characters' faces during these moments, and the transition just didn't work well. B) They would always have a clearly live shot of, say, a canyon before moving to a computerized scene behind the people. The two just didn't match, and it was obvious. You just have to see the movie to understand what I'm talking about, but I guarantee you won't cry during the sad parts. None of them.

I do have an honorable mention to give, as footnoted above. This really isn't a 'bad' movie trait, as there are plenty of good movies that does this. However, those good movies usually get the last 4 points right. This movie really didn't justify bad guys or good guys as to why they did what they did. They just did. You know the whole drill. Good guys do good because they're good. Bad guys... well, they're Bad, right? They do bad things.

In most 'realistic' movies today, the writers give good reason why the bad guys do the things they do. Take the latest Batman movie with Heath Ledger. The Joker had a very sordid childhood, together with other elements that they explained well in the movie. He was believable as a villian, as was Two-Face (who I still believe is alive by the way--they just can't get rid of him THAT quickly!).

Australia, though... Fletcher is a bad guy because his father is a millionaire bigot. That's the only real reason they make him the way he is. Still, for three hours, he does all but try to push a boulder off of a cliff on the cattle drove. I'm surprised his horse doesn't say ACME on the side of it. All the way to the last minute of the film, he just comes across as a creep who gives no rational thought to anything except, "I'm evil, I must do evil." A little fleshing out of the characters would have been nice.

Ok, that's enough for me. Australia, it was good, but it needed some work...

May 30, 2008

2008-05-30T12:07:00.002-04:00

Beach Boys Rock... enough said...

I could get into a lengthy argument over musical technique over greatness, but I don't feel like it. I'm listening to "When I Grow Up" and finally calming down from a frustrating morning. That's all that matters to me, right now.

May 29, 2008

2008-05-29T09:45:00.004-04:00

This has irritated me for some time. There's a commercial put out by Vonage, the phone company, that has basically numbed me from ever going with that company, even if they were giving away free phone service for life.

The commercial starts off with a guy from "The Phone Company" (You ever notice how, for whatever reason, telecommunication companies almost ALWAYS have commercials that look like political smear campaigns?). He tells us, the viewer, "Don't listen to Vonage." Then before giving us any reason to listen to his argument, the most snobbish woman in history pushes him to the left side of the screen and interrupts him, saying "Well over 2 million people have switched to Vonage." She says this in a tone of voice as if you expect her to also say "Nyah nyah!". Not only is this childish, but also rude, as I was still listening to the first guy. If you expect us to go with YOUR company, at least let the competitor state his side.

Next, the guy tries to get back toward the center of the screen, but the girl refuses--in essence, trapping him off to the left. In my mind, this is the equivalent of pushing someone out of line and refusing to let them back in where they were. The woman then challenges the guy, asking how much they charge, where he finally starts his argument. She then interrupts him AGAIN, stating how Vonage is superior. You know, in the court of law, if the prosecutor keeps interrupting the defense, they probably would be disciplined by the judge in some way.

Finally, and this is the final straw to me, the guy states, "For over 100 years, the only thing we've changed..." where the woman, a third time, interrupts him by saying "is your prices?" before hipchecking him off the screen for good. I'm a very non-violent person by nature, but I almost feel like slapping her every time I see that commercial.

Again, this is rude. Second, she sounds like a 6-year-old in a "I know you are but what am I" kind of way. Third, she's spinning what he says all around--he never stated anything like that. He may have a valid point against Vonage that I need to hear, but nooooo... we won't hear THAT here. Vonage's message to me is this: "Sign up with us--we're far superior to others because we don't listen to them and you shouldn't either." On the other hand, Progressive Insurance openly states that they'll help you shop around for the best deal.

Also, you generally want likeable qualities to be present in your spokespeople. Some are humorous (Budweisers' Real Men of Genius, for instance). Some are funny in a cute sort of way, such as GEICO's gecko. This woman just comes across elitist, high-minded and snobbish. Generally, if you want to attract someone to your company, these are qualities you do NOT want. The only demographic I could see this appealing to are snobbish preppies from school, who, mind you, probably think that the whole situation is funny because they do that to people every day in their lives anyhow.

I just hate that dumb commercial.

May 28, 2008

2008-05-28T09:46:00.003-04:00

Hiatus semi-over. I'll still post my editorials on here as I get them, but I thought I'd also turn the blog into a One-A-Day thought...um... online Diary thingie. Some of these thoughts are meant to be humorous, tongue-in-cheek, and, well, unabashedly silly. Others are quite serious and possibly ponder-worthy. Mostly, however, these are just my meandering thoughts. I'll try to post them early in the day before the drudges of work wash me over and every single post ends up, "Why must we have to work...etc..."

This morning, my wife and I watched a show while we were getting ready for the day that I hadn't seen a full episode of in a really long time--Home Improvement. As sad as the fact remains, though I haven't really watched the show in almost, or even over, a decade, I still remembered how the episode usually turned out.

The point, though, was that the impression that I got about the show felt different now that I'm an adult with a job, family, and life than it did when I was a youth-turning-to-teen. At that time, I viewed the show as it was billed--a family-based sitcom with a caring, but oftentimes slow-to-the-starting-line parental head. It was humorous and lighthearted. I still viewed it that way today, but the show came across more innocent and nuclear family, about like every other 90's TV show.

Now I don't watch many sitcoms today. Haven't really been a regular viewer of one since the 90's, so I can't be an authority of the attitude, style, or 'message' of modern shows. However, most late 80's and 90's TV family-based sitcoms were of the 'After School Special' persuasion. In other words, each episode (or, whether or not the message was big enough, series of episodes) was presented with a problem or issue that would come up, and the characters (The Taylor Family) would reach the conclusion by the end of the episode, showcasing for the audience at home how to either deal with the problem should it arise or to provide a model for the family in general.

As cheesy as some of the episodes were, I kind of miss that 'feeling' of a series--the feeling that, by the time you're done watching the episode, you feel a little bit better about your lot in life, and not because you just watched somebody who was far off worse than you. Like I said, I don't watch much TV in general outside of cartoons (I've grown up a lot, huh?). However, just by watching commercials and seeing front pages of magazines on stands at the grocery store and whatnot, I can tell what the general desire for people to watch would be. During the 80's and 90's, the sitcom reigned supreme--I remember, I was there. However, what seems to have ruled this decade with a much stronger grip than the sitcom is the 'gripping drama'. Think of the 20-or-so spinoffs of "C.S.I.", all of the crime/detective shows, the medical dramas (save Scrubs... that's actually a pretty funny show), and so forth. Look at the movies that are hitting theaters. They either are obnoxiously stupid or... 'Gripping Dramas'. (Cleverly disguised, of course, as either Horror Movies, Chick Flicks, or Superhero Epics--but basically, that's the general genre.) In fact, most popular series today resemble Soap Operas more than they resemble sitcoms, even if the hint or even spice of humor is involved.

So, perhaps, this is the reason why the average person or family is in a slump today. Sure, money's tight and gas is expensive. But, ya know, money has always been kind of hard to come by. Maybe one of the factors is that, when we go home to 'relax' in front of the TV, we're actually feeding our minds with negative things--murder victims, failed surgeries, broken homes and relationships.

Sure, arguers will say "Well, tough cookies, guy... This is reality." Well, guess what? We get enough of 'reality' at work and our day-to-day lives. If you make burgers all day for work and absolutely hate it, how many times are you going to be going home from work and say, "You know what I want? A Hamburger." Just because the shows portray reality doesn't mean we have to subject ourselves to more negative issues over and again. Maybe it isn't unrealistic to be a little optimistic about things. Is it really living in "La La Land" (A place I really would be interested in visiting one day) if we expect that, maybe once, everything will turn out alright in the end, with everything going right for the hero? Would it be TOO much to ask to perhaps have a show that makes us feel safe in our own homes, rather than playing off of the fears of the paranoid?

I mean, come on people. I'm sick of reading of murders in the paper--why are you forcing me to read about fictitious murders on TV?

Eh, just my thoughts.

Welcome to the World of Customer Service

2008-04-04T09:50:00.002-04:00

[The following post was originally posted in 2007 on the message boards for www.macclenny.com. The events in the following article actually happened and honestly have not been embellished, though it would have been quite funny to do so just a little. I work in the banking industry, if anybody cares...]

We’re all pretty familiar with the concept. We have a problem with something, such as a computer or a service, and so we need to get help from a representative of said service. Already, those of you familiar with the Customer Service routine can see a flaw in the above equation. Representative being that flaw.

Now this is not a complete across-the-board deal, wherein every single CSR we deal with is inept and lacking basic common sense. In fact, working with business-oriented companies (who tend to have a slightly higher degree of competency in their representatives) rarely puts me in insanity’s path. But there have been obvious exceptions, or else I wouldn’t be writing this.

(At this point, I’m going to assume if there are any readers who are, indeed, Customer Service Representatives (CSR) of any kind that they do make up the exception and do not reflect the following descriptions. However, you may very well be such, to wit, please do not work for a company I will eventually call for help. Thank you.)

I’ve also learned, at least in the business world (although I’m sure this is a global rule too), that if a company is either government-run or –funded, then their comprehension abilities would be about two points above a piece of granite. The following will be a classic example, as what happened to me today.

(Names have been removed/changed to protect the stupid.)

Part of my responsibilities where I work involve transferring files to vendors and making sure they not only receive them, but that their services with us ‘work’. The following conversation took place today:

Me: (Makes first call)

Company: Thank you for calling [Company Name]. Our number has recently changed. Please hang up and call 1-800-###-####.

Me: (Kind of weirded out that they actually asked me to “hang up” and call this number, but does so anyhow. Makes second call.)

Company: Thank you for calling [Company Name]. (Normal schpiel about pressing one and two and three, until they get to zero for operator).

Me: (Presses 0).

Company: (an actual person). Thank you for calling [Company]. How can I help you today?

Me: Hi, my name is Daniel with [My company]. Our contract ID is #####. I have a question concerning a file we transfer to you.

Company Rep 1: What was that Contract ID again?

Me: #####

Rep 1: Hmm. That doesn’t seem to fit, what I need is a four digit number, a dash, and another digit.

Me: (Pause. That equals 5 digits… like I’m giving you… Oh well). Oh, well, I don’t have a number that matches that. Can you look us up by name?

Rep 1: (frustrated sigh) Sure, what was that name?

Me: [My company, again…]

Rep 1: Hold on. (The very hated hold music. I’m afraid I’ll never talk to her again. Two minutes later, she surprisingly comes back on) Ok, I have your information here. How can I help you, again?

Me: (sigh) I need to speak to someone in file transmissions that handle (file type), please.

Rep 1: (file type) department? I think that’s handled by (another person).

Me: Oh yeah, I’ve talked to her before.

Rep 1: Great. Do you need her number?

Me: Yes, that would be great.

(Rep 1 proceeds to give me her number. I take it down and thank her, hanging up)

Me: (Makes Third Call to woman who can hopefully help me. Get her voicemail—she’ll be out all week. Her message gives me her department’s number, but says it so fast I have to call back two more times to write it all down. Meanwhile, she has 3 voicemail messages from me that are just the sound of the phone hitting the cradle. Makes Fourth Call to the number she left me! (keep that in mind.) )

Company: Thank you for calling … (Automated Message #3, by the way. I get to press 0 eventually)

Rep 2: Thanks for calling [Company]. My name is [Person]. How can I help you today?

Me: Hi, yes, I was hoping to speak to someone in (type of file) department.

Rep 2: (type of file)? I’ve never heard of that before.

Me: (Isn’t this the number the lady gave me?) [Spells it out, describing the file and the department I need, along with the problem—that their system is not updating their information included on the file].

Rep 2: Could you please hold? I’ll call tech support.

Me: Ooooo-k.

(Fast-Forward: She proceeds to give me the play-by-play, letting me know every 20 seconds [separated by hold music] that she tried ‘this person’ and ‘that person’, but she keeps getting voice mail. [Current running time for project: 8 minutes.] She comes back on.)

Rep 2: Is this file sent to our Wisconsin branch or our Texas Branch?

Me: (The heck should I know?!) I’m not sure. I just upload the file to your website through a secure FTP.

Rep 2: (sigh) Hold on. (The music. I think of screaming. I think of hanging up. I think many other things in the time I listen to an easy jazz version of the Carpenters: “We’ve only just begun to live.” Running time: 12 minutes.) Alright, it looks like this is handled in Texas. I’ve got [Name] from Tech Support here to help you, ok?

Me: (Tech Support? Alright! This is, no doubt, who I need to speak to) Great! Thank you.

Rep 2: (Click for transfer)

Rep 3: Hi, this is [name]. I hear you’re having problems logging on to our site?

Me: (Stunned for about 3 full seconds here. Did this woman pay any attention to me earlier?) Hi. Um, no. I can log on just fine. In fact, I just sent the file successfully yesterday through your [website] FTP upload.

Rep 3: Oh. Hm, ok, then.

Me: Yeah, the problem I was having though is that I think the information on your side isn’t getting updated.

Rep 3: Ok. What was the file again?

Me: [file type and department it goes to and all other relevant information (not playing around this time)].

Rep 3: And that’s updated using the [website] FTP, right?

Me: Yup.

Rep 3: Well, I don’t know anything about that particular file. Let me see if I can find someone in [file type department] who can help you.

Me: Ok, thanks. (Running time: Let’s just say that I started well before lunch, but I’m starting to get a little hungry. More hold music, but not as long this time)

Rep 4: Hi, this is [name], can I help you? (You know, this is a pretty big company, and I’m starting to get to know everyone on a first-name basis.)

Me: Yes, [name], my name is Daniel with [my company]. I’m looking for someone in the [file type] department with an issue we’re having.

Rep 4: Well, I handle the file transfers as they come in for [the file].

Me: (Lights flash down from the sky as I do a little victory dance). Perfect! I just need to know a little bit about how this file gets integrated into your system. I think some information is not getting updated.

We’ll break from our story here. In the process of maybe 2 minutes, he gives me a thorough explanation as far as what happens and where the problem could lie. In the process of over 25 minutes, I spoke with four humans, four machines, and my far-gone sanity. I know not everyone in the company would know every single thing, but I was hoping some basic research and common sense skills could have come into play. Especially with the one Rep who, unless I was routed to another country or something, was in the same department as the lady who had helped me before!

All in all, this is a pretty common occurrence, or so I’ve heard. Horror stories on websites and urban legends tell of much more incompetent CSRs, and I’ve had my share of them, too. Another company I deal with gives me a sales pitch about the product we already have of theirs whenever I need help with something that has nothing to do with it.

Example:

Me: I need to know how often this service gets updated?

Rep: Well, the [service] is a state-of-the-art procedure in handling [procedures, jobs, financial capabilities, etc. etc. etc. for about 3 minutes.]

Me: Uh-huh. That’s great. Sooo… it gets updated…when?

I know I could go on and on with examples, situations, flow charts and the like describing how companies in general fall well short of meeting what the end-user (customer) feels would be appropriate CSR competency, but I’ll leave it at this. After all, these are people, and I can’t go on and on to insult them, because the blame is not entirely on their heads. Most of the time, it comes from poor training, companies that want to cut corners and get the employees they are paying right to work. These individuals are just caught in the middle of a fierce battle of wits between the customer and the corporation’s bank account. So, I offer this one paragraph of kindness and peace to the individuals I have so recently and roughly thrashed.

That doesn’t mean I take it all back, because there is something to say about wanting to do better. I just don’t want to seem like an ogre to the people where I work who call me, asking for help. See, I can sympathize.

5 Reminders for Macclenny Drivers, Part 3

2008-04-01T11:01:00.002-04:00

[The following editorial was originally posted on www.macclenny.com forum boards in December of 2006. It was third of a 3-part series about how the increase of population in a small, country town had directly led to an increase of careless driving by many. As the previous posts, the audience was specified to the residents of the town of Macclenny, but any small town, or even a larger town or city, can relate to these irks. This is the last one, I promise.

Also, even though the title is '5 reminders', there are only 4 subheadings. The title is more or less just there to link and make a continuation of the series.]

Special Edition—Driving in Parking Lots

Though it’s been a good eight or so years since I took Driver’s Ed, I seem to recall they focused most of the course on maneuvering through construction cones and, oddly enough, making sure we could turn around in the middle of the road without going off the road. (Is it just me, or was this the most unnecessary skill taught in the whole course? I mean, has anyone used this skill since?) One thing I don’t recall us going over in much detail, if at all, were the parking lot do’s-and-don’ts. This is quite ironic, because the parking lots are the most dangerous places a driver may venture; the ‘elephant graveyards’ of the open road, mind you.

Whether 16 or 60, a person can never be a master of parking lot technique. Much like golf, every single parking lot is different, with its own unique personality. Unlike golf, very impatient and haphazard individuals often frequent parking lots. Because of this uncanny fact, I have dedicated a section of my Driving Reminders series specifically to parking lots.

A World With No Home Field Advantage.
Some sports teams use that phrase for a number of reasons. Playing at ‘home’ means that there will be more fans to cheer for them than the other team. In some sports, it would mean that they’re a little bit more familiar with their environment (see golf illustration above). Mostly, though, this advantage comes from the fact that the team at ‘home’ has practiced at this same location a number of times and the players, no doubt, feel a certain comfort playing there that others wouldn’t feel. Similarly, there are some parking lots we frequent more than others, making them almost like ‘home’ to us (this would most likely include places such as work or, more commonly for some, Wal-Mart). However, when it comes to driving, there’s not much of an advantage to being at ‘home’.

For one, there are drivers who are not at ‘home’ right now, be it tourists, visitors, or the less-frequenters of the establishment. The problem with this situation is that there is no comfort that can be derived from the visitors. You may be able to navigate blindfolded, but the 3 other cars that are in motion behind and to the side of you would rather you not. You may know where all the twists and turns are, how to get to the best spots, or simply the easiest way in or out, but the Volkswagen Beetle from North Carolina may be a little miffed at you if you smoothly cruise right out in front of it, carefree as a kite-flier on… well, kite day.

There’s a corollary to this, also. How often do you go through parking lots in San Diego, California, or even really in Jacksonville for that matter? Are you at ‘home’, here? Not so much as the man who lives down the street and comes here for lunch every single day (including Sundays). If Mr. Penelo decides to non-chalantly get in your way coming in to the parking lot, you might have a few choice words for him (whether you actually say these words or not is a different matter, see below). The point here is, no matter where you are, there’s no guarantee everyone around you has as much driving finesse as you when it comes to parking lots. I sure don’t.

My Car Needs Personal Space, Too.
I went for Chinese food today, you know the place next to the [old] Wal-Mart? Getting in and out was amazingly difficult, mainly because of the Wal-Mart-is-moving-and-is-having-a-sale thing. However, I was deftly surprised how many times I had to stop or maneuver around someone blocking an entire aisle of parking spaces. I basically had to back up at one point to let a huge Ford truck (Dually, I might add) by me. This, as anyone would point out, is uncalled for.

Now, of course, some discretion is needed. For instance, if an unnecessarily long vehicle was a parking place, we may need to extend our ‘allotted half’ of the aisle a little to angle or fit in. It may even mean we’d have to go completely from the right to the left for a second. (By the way, people who drive on the left-hand side of a parking lot aisle should have their license revoked. This is not England. Thank you.) However, to basically fjord the entire lane like the Israelites going through the part in the Red Sea is a little selfish. Not only does it make others have to back up, but you basically have inhibited any other cars in front of you from accessing empty (in some cases, hard-to-find) parking spaces. Finally, you have officially blockaded a perfectly good escape route when you get to the end of the aisle; traffic is now forced to go straight. Please take a moment to make sure you are allowing plenty of room for others. It’s hard enough to find any room in a parking lot anyhow.

Doctors Are Saying We Need The Exercise, Anyhow.
I want to come right out and say that I’m guilty of this as well and that I need to work on this point just as much as the next person. Still, it’s something that should be said. Companies that design the parking lots to establishments go through a good amount of painstaking detail to design each one specifically for the business’s needs. For instance, many more people would be in Food Lion or Winn-Dixie than would be expected to be in Superior Cleaners at any given time. Therefore, the two former parking lots are larger than the latter. As we all know, there’s a limited amount of space that can be utilized, and the best way to manage it would be to build the parking spaces out, toward the road (you know, that place where the traffic is coming from). What this eventually means is, especially during busy times, we might have to park far away.

(Allow time for the reader to gasp, disbelieve, and curse the very notion)

“But that would mean we’re becoming like Orange Park, Regency, or any other area that has a mall!” Yes, readers, I know. However, Isaac Newton, among other physicists, helped us to understand that bodies of matter cannot inhabit the same space at the same time without… certain effects (namely, with cars, wrecks). Parking lots are not exempt from the laws of physics. If a store does big business, they can expect to have a lot of individuals there at once. This means they would need to accommodate for this, i.e., have more parking spaces. If there are already 40 customers there, you may need to park a little further away. Now I make these points for a couple of reasons.

One-Don’t look at me impatiently and hover around my car when I’m just walking out of the store. I may want to change the radio or put a CD in before I back out (see Reminder #8). It could be I’m out with my wife and we want to examine more closely what we bought before I get on the road. I know there are a few empty parking places somewhere in the parking lot; a little walking won’t hurt you, or else you’d have a handicap tag and be able to park closer to begin with.

Two-Don’t look at me angrily if I get to the space first. Especially if I was there first to begin with (which, in most cases, is the case). Fingers and swears just make a person look like a 5th grader all over again. What argument does someone win? It’s not like I won a competition by getting to the space first. And it’s also not likely the manager of CVS watched the whole thing and now won’t let you in on account of you “not getting the closer parking space”. In the case of CVS, not getting mad at me will save you 4 bucks on a bottle of aspirin. Just relax. Maybe you need the exercise from a farther away space to work out the anger issues.

(After those last two points, I’d think it prudent to once again mention I’m not pointing fingers at any one person or telling people how to live their lives. These are meant to be friendly suggestions… friendly, just strongly worded.)

In Case I Haven’t Made This Just Clear Enough… Just be nice.
This goes for all aspects of driving, Parking Lots or not. Stress is on the rise today. Doctors are saying it leads to sickness (lowered immune system) and blood and heart problems. I know the road is about as friendly as an old-west train robber (and I probably could draw half-a-dozen similarities off the top of my head). There’s a good chance your day was pretty lousy. Work may have been a pain, or may be a continuous pain. Perhaps you and your girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse/collection agency representative had a fight not 10 minutes before you got in your car. You haven’t eaten all day. It’s only Tuesday. There’re fifty reasons you can think of to be bitter and agonizing. If you let traffic or the idiosyncrasies of other drivers get to you, it’s not going to help your situation any more.

Just think of the positives: First of all, you’re in your own little world again, your car. Away from all of the annoying people you know and the mountains of paperwork you endure every day. You can sing showtunes during the entire trip home (I guess you know who I am driving home now). Jimmy Buffett or Steven Perry can be your traveling companions if you prefer. Especially if you have things to do when you get home, this is your break away from the world. Enjoy it. Heck, if traffic is slow moving, it just means you have more time to yourself. Even if your vehicle is a busted pile of scrap metal (much like mine is right now), it’s a little slice of paradise.

As far as the parking lot is concerned, things are moving pretty slowly, but that’s no reason to be upset. Enjoy the scenery (if available). Relax. If you haven’t gone into the store yet, enjoy the last few moments of having money. If you’re coming out, enjoy the new things that you have. If you went to pay bills, enjoy the electricity and phones that you have. If you’re in the work parking lot, enjoy the look of your place of employment getting smaller and smaller in the rear-view mirror. Just as if in traffic, on the road, or on the interstate, parking lots can be much more manageable if we all just take a breath and calm down.

5 Reminders for Macclenny Drivers, Part 2

2008-03-27T10:03:00.002-04:00

[The following editorial was originally posted on www.macclenny.com forum boards in December of 2006. It was the second of a 3-part series about how the increase of population in a small, country town had directly led to an increase of careless driving by many. Obviously, since the audience was for a local town, many of the references may be obscure to everyday readers, but no doubt, and especially if you come from a town in the same predicament as Macclenny, you will see some similarities around you.]

Whether it’s winter or summer, a cold and brisk morning or a hot, air conditioned noon, driving has become a necessity to almost every activity we need to do today. If it’s not at home, you need to have a vehicle of sorts to get there. This is a foreign mentality to metropolitan dwellers. Having lived in NYC for a year and a half, I never once really needed to drive anywhere; public transportation was my friend. However, coming back to my hometown proved itself to be a sober reminder of the importance of self-controlled travel. The gas prices were extra somber-ing. I guess what I’m getting at with this is: Driving is a necessity in Macclenny. People have to drive. That is a fact that cannot be changed. However, personal habits about driving may need some tweaking.

Thus I present Reminders: Part Two. As a continuation from my first five reminders, please also note the following “Good Things to Remember Whilst Driving”:

6) Intersections and the Red Sign. What is baffling is that there is only one word on that “Red Sign”. Even if you didn’t know what the word itself meant, the shape of the sign is universal for telling individuals something. Cease. Halt. Do not proceed any further. Fully administer your brakes. Do not pass GO. Certainly do not collect $200. In fact, if there’s a policeman around, you might end up forfeiting currency. “There’s no (or not much) traffic,” one reasons to himself. “Why, the mere concept of coming to a complete stop here is unnecessary.” Where the sentiment may be based on facts, that still doesn’t mean that a person should slow to half-speed and coast through in Scott Hamilton fashion. A stop is required by law, and is a courtesy to everyone else around (namely, me.) It takes all of three or four extra seconds to perform this task, I really doubt Jerry Seinfield would mind if you missed one of his jokes on his show. (It would be nice to point out at this point that Exit 335 westbound does not have a yield sign anymore. It really doesn’t matter if traffic seems a bit backed up—I’d prefer not to swerve off of the bridge to miss someone, seeing as how that’s the only place for me to go. Thank you.)

7) The Red Pill or the Blue Pill, You only get one. You remember the movie Alice in Wonderland (or for some of the younger audience members, The Matrix)? The protagonist had a choice between two separate pills. Specifically in The Matrix, Neo could only choose one. (I can’t remember if Alice had both or not, it’s been awhile). The point of this illustration is that, sometimes in life when we have two choices, common sense and decency dictates we should only make one of those. Places that have two lanes, in my honest opinion, are two separate choices. Based on our destination, it is inevitable that we would have to merge between these lanes every now and then. Usually, this should only take place in a town like Macclenny once a day. Twice at most. I think some of you see where I’m going with this. Those drivers who are pretending to be Luke, Hans, or Lando, darting in and out of traffic to make an extra 20 seconds of time, rate very high on the nuisance-o-meter. I can sympathize that you are late for work. I know that the truck in front of you is doing “10 under the speed limit”. What I care about is the fact that I’ve seen people drive more carefully on Super Mario Kart for Nintendo (see also reminder 4 from last post). None of us want to be out driving in this traffic, trust me. We’ll get out of your way—just give us a minute… and don’t drop a gigantic banana peel in my way, if you can help it.

8 ) Proper Parking Lot Etiquette. You may be surprised to learn this, but I actually do remember a time when I was not afraid to go through a parking lot. I might have even been so bold as to change the radio station or put a new CD in while moving! Now, though, much like a mouse at Pet Smart, I have to keep my alert set to 360 degrees. My only real thought about this is why on earth are people going more than 25 MPH through parking lots!? Are there people afraid that if they don’t get inside the store within the next thirty seconds that the store will sell out of the one thing they need? I literally hold my breath every time I back out of a parking place now, watching out for Mario on his Go-Kart (see above). Once again, I know everyone is in a hurry. We only have 1,440 minutes every day, and no one wants to waste one of those in a parking lot. This also goes for drivers who knowingly go the wrong way down a parking aisle to get to an open spot before others. (It’s fairly easy to tell whether you are going the wrong way—if the spots are bent away from you, requiring you to back-up and try again once or twice, you’re going the wrong way). And, of course with that said, try to park straight. Many are irritated when we “see that open spot” and rush to get there, only to see the reason it’s open is because 10% of the neighboring car is relaxing there.

9) With the patience of a kid in a candy store… Come 5 PM every day, I, like many others, find myself in a long conga-esque line of cars ranging from St. George to Gainesville. I want to get home, as does every other car in line. Statistically, more than 80% of these cars are filled with individuals also getting off from work right now. Undoubtedly, then, we are all tired and cranky, wishing to be at home in our easy chair watching Jimmy Neutron or perhaps a Reality-Based show. In fact, if Jimmy were real, he probably could concoct some sort of hover car that would allow us to get home quicker. Alas, we are bound to our normal cars and roads. Which means it will take some time to get home. So pack your favorite CDs or set the radio to your favorite music station (Might I suggest the calming 90.9 FM, for easy listening). Bring along a smooth, relaxing drink or perhaps, much like a commercial, pack a Baby Ruth or Crunch bar (so long as you aren’t eating it while in motion—see reminder #5) Think about what you’re going to do this weekend, or even this evening. Daydream about your loved ones or hanging out with your friends. Just relax. We’ll all get home soon enough, and we’d all like to get there without being in a sour mood after having people almost side-swipe us getting into traffic.

10) Above all else, just follow the signs. This is more or less for emphasis. The Florida D.O.T., to the shock and surprise of many of us, actually wants to help us and wants us to be safe. To wit, they have posted signs that, when followed, allows traffic to proceed at the swiftest and most organized method while still ensuring the safety and mental health of all drivers. So, as a gesture of kindness, even if token, try to go 45 MPH when the sign says 45 MPH. If the sign asks you to stop, please take a moment, if only for the sign. Mr. Yield would have you kindly make sure you do not inhabit the same space as another car when coming off of the (70+ MPH) Interstate. Dr. School Crossing cares about our children, and even is so nice that we only have to slow down more at certain times. Mr. Railroad Crossing, though a little more stern with his gargantuan arms, acknowledges that a 55 MPH train (weighing in at 70 billion tons) would do more than scratch our Volvo. Some of the sign community are even generous enough to let us know that we’re going to be seeing more signs soon, such as the Slow Down Ahead type sign. The signs want us to be happy, can’t we all just get along? Shouldn’t we listen to them? They’d listen to us if they had ears.

5 Reminders for Macclenny Drivers

2008-03-24T08:46:00.003-04:00

[The following editorial was originally posted on www.macclenny.com forum boards in December of 2006. It was the first of a 3-part series about how the increase of population in a small, country town had directly led to an increase of careless driving by many. Obviously, since the audience was for a local town, many of the references may be obscure to everyday readers, but no doubt, and especially if you come from a town in the same predicament as Macclenny, you will see some similarities around you.]

It has come to the attention of many residents of Baker County that Macclenny is growing by leaps and bounds. With new stores on the front-burner, ready to be built (as well as those freshly built, such as our new Wal-Mart Supercenter), we are looking less and less like the small town, backwoods community we used to be. This has been good for many things. But, it has also brought certain unavoidable (and obvious) annoyances.

My primary annoyance is the somewhat amazing circumstance that some of Baker County's residents somehow forgot how to drive. They obviously know enough to pass the state's requirements to have a license (or did at one time). However, this would amount the knowing the different of green and red.

Now, I'm not saying everyone, or even the majority, of drivers in Macclenny are borderline maniacal. In fact, I'd even go so far to say that I encounter one or two 'sane' drivers on my way to work every morning. I know that most vehicle operators intend to drive safely and correctly, but I believe the pressures of a growing community, and subsequent growing number of cars and (especially) trucks, has caused even the levelest-headed person to become like Spongebob Squarepants driving a boat. Even I have been guilty of this from time to time. Therefore, I set aside a few minutes of my day today to compile a brief reminder to help us contemplate how we drive. And who knows--maybe this will save someone from getting a 'reckless endangerment' driving ticket.

1) Speed is relative-The signs usually help a little.
When I started driving, Highway 121 was 35 MPH all the way past US 90 and practically out to the fair grounds. Someone was kind enough to notice we have more lanes now and helped out by increasing the speed limit to 45. So class, everyone repeat with me now. ----45 MPH.---- Not 20 MPH. Not 60 MPH. Though we can easily pass or dodge to compensate for these extremes, it makes things a little easier to go if we just follow the signs. This, by extension, also includes that stretch of 121 by the schools. Did you know that it gets slower there? Amazing. Who'd have thought that places where kids cross the road multiple times throughout the day have speed decrements. The above rule can be applied here too. Best rule of thumb: watch for those white rectangular signs.

2) Lane Definitions--What the yellow lines mean.
Once upon a time, if a Macclenny driver saw yellow, it meant one of two things: A yellow light meant slow down (or speed up for some of us), and a yellow line meant "Do Not Cross" unless you are turning in to someplace on your left-hand side. Then along came the turning lane. An entire stretch of 8 to 10 feet wide concrete that drivers could actually use to prepare to turn in to a left-hand side place. However, this has obviously confused some people. For instance, the turning lane is not a PARKING SPACE. It's reasonable to expect sometimes a person has to go "half way" because of the bulk of traffic. However, much like the Basketball Shot Clock, you are expected to do SOMETHING after so long. It's a tad unreasonable if you're coming out of [the old] Wal-Mart turning left to make sure it's clear back to Waffle House before getting back into the flow of traffic. As a corollary, however, I would prefer you not pull out in front of me so that I have to (once again) test my Anti-Lock Braking System (tm). Once again, balance is needed. And for the love of God, please do not pass me in the turning lane!

3) Where the Intersection begins... Anybody?
Some have keenly observed that an intersection is actually shaped like a box. This could be perhaps those in charge of road development have actually put a box in the middle of every intersection. This may be confusing to some, so I would like to explain what this box is for. If the traffic light is red, you must stop before entering said box. This includes your tire, bumpers, and definitely the chassi of your car. Rolling stops also do not count in the big book of traffic laws (this is actually something I happen to be guilty of... bad me). The biggest occurrence of this violation come from "psychic drivers". These individuals try to "time when the lights will change". What actually ends up happening is that the driver is smack-dab in the middle of the intersection when the light DOES turn green. This is provided it does turn green and not give your adjacent associates a green arrow. Please hold one for one more parsec of a second so that you verifiably have a green light before proceeding. I, as well as the Florida State Patrollers, will be grateful.

4) Something I learned back in Kindergarten--Be Nice.
The other day I was at the intersection of Lowder and Hwy 121, in line like usual, when I noticed someone in the turn lane opposite Wachovia, wanting (what it would appear) to turn around to the other direction. Wanting to do my good deed of the day, I left enough space between me and the car in front of me so that he could squeeze in. Instead of getting in front of me, he shot over to the right (empty, because it ends right there) lane and blatantly forced himself into the other lane at the light. This, of course, was uncalled for. However, this happens in many situations around town, and even more often it would seem. Treating their vehicle much like James Bond treated his Astin Martin in every chase scene the movies portrayed, drivers hurl their cars into spaces that practically defy physics. Needless to say, Advanced Autos better stock up on brake pads over the next few years. Patience is a virtue and my horn needs a rest. Please be nice.

5) And Finally, for the love of everything Decent, PAY ATTENTION!
Put the cell phone and the Big Mac down. Leave the song alone, no matter how annoying Toby Keith is. Stop arguing with your passenger, just let her/him be right for five seconds. The piece of paper in your floorboard was there when you got in, just leave it alone for now. If you have a laptop open in the seat next to you, why are you driving to begin with? The book or newspaper will not change when you get out of your car. The witty marquee sayings aren't all that clever. The joggers are there for exercise, not for horn blowing practice. There is no life-threatening need for mints, gum, snacks, drinks, or anything that involves unwrapping, untwisting, or placing in front of your face while you open your mouth.

Just...please...pay...attention. Please.

In My Honest Opinion

2008-03-21T10:32:00.000-04:00

Coming Soon...

Hey all, I'm just registering this blogspace ahead of time. In the next week or so, i'm migrating some satire editorials I've done about life in general. I'd like to get back into it, but also would like a nice new home for them. This page will most likely not be updated on a regular basis as my other blog, The Sorta-Motivational Poster Blog at http://sortamotivational.blogspot.com. That blog was first, and... well... kind of deserves my attention in first order. (Not to mention the idea is much cooler than dumb old editorials.) I will be posting my older 'essays' here gradually. I'll be sure to put updates on the SMP blog as they arrive.

Just stay tuned.